Love for a Lifetime

Newlywed Nonsense

Not long ago, I was flipping through the channels on our television and paused momentarily to watch one of those newlywed game shows. It was a bad decision. The leering host posed a series of dumb questions to a lineup of flaky brides whose husbands were sequestered backstage in a soundproof room. He challenged the women to predict their husband's response to inquiries that went something like this:

• Where was the exact spot your husband saw you stark naked for the first time?
• If you and your husband ever separated, which of his friends would be the first to make a pass at you?
• How would you describe the first time you and your husband made whoopee using these TV terms: First Run, Rerun, or Canceled?
• Where is the last place you would have, if you could have, made love?

Without the least hesitation, the women blurted out frank answers to these and other intimate questions. At times I felt I shouldn't be watching, and indeed, past generations would have blushed and gasped at the candor. But the host was undaunted. He then asked the women to respond to this question: What kind of insect does your husband remind you of when he's feeling romantic? If you think the question was ridiculous, consider the answer given by one female contestant. She replied, A bear. When her husband realized his wife couldn't tell an insect from a mammal, he pounded her frantically with his answer card. She said, Welllll, I didn't know!

A few minutes later, the men were given an opportunity to humiliate their wives. They grabbed it. Among other questions designed to produce hostility between the sexes, they were asked to complete this sentence: "You haven't seen ugly until you've seen my wife's _______." What fun to watch the brides squirm as their husbands described their anatomical deficiencies to millions of viewers! Throughout the program the men and women continued to club one another on the head with their answer cards and call each other "stupid." That did it. I couldn't watch any more.

It has been said that television programming reflects the values held widely within the society it serves. Heaven help us if that is true in this instance. The impulsive responses of the newlyweds revealed their embarrassing immaturity, selfishness, hostility, vulnerability, and sense of inadequacy. These are the prime ingredients of marital instability, and too commonly, divorce itself. An army of disillusioned ex-husbands and ex-wives can attest to that fact all too well.

For every ten marriages occurring in America today, five will end in bitter conflict and divorce. That is tragic, but have you ever wondered what happens to the other five? Do they sail blissfully into the sunset? Hardly! According to clinical psychologist Neil Warren, who appeared on my "Focus on the Family" radio program, all five will stay together for a lifetime, but in varying degrees of disharmony. He quoted the research of Dr. John Cuber whose findings were published in a book entitled THE SIGNIFICANT AMERICANS. Cuber learned that some couples will remain married for the benefit of the children, while others will pass the years in relative apathy. Incredibly, only one or two out of ten will achieve what might be called "intimacy" in the relationship.

By intimacy Dr. Warren is referring to the mystical bond of friendship, commitment, and understanding that almost defies explanation. It occurs when a man and woman, being separate and distinct individuals, are fused into a single unit which the Bible calls "one flesh." I'm convinced the human spirit craves this kind of unconditional love, and experiences something akin to "soul hunger" when it cannot be achieved. I'm also certain that most couples expect to find intimacy in marriage, but somehow it usually eludes them.

To those who are anticipating a wedding in the near future, and to couples experiencing their first few years as husbands and wives, let me ask you these tough questions: When the story of your family is finally written, what will the record show? Will you cultivate an intimate marriage, or will you journey relentlessly down the road toward divorce proceedings, with consequent property settlement, custody battles, and broken dreams? How will you beat the odds? Fortunately, you are not merely passive victims in the unfolding drama of your lives together. You can build a stable relationship that will withstand the storms of life. All that is required is the desire to do so, with a little advice and counsel.

This book was written to provide that needed guidance. It is addressed specifically to single adults, engaged couples, and to husbands and wives who have not yet celebrated their tenth anniversaries. It focuses on the principles and concepts that will help armor-plate a marriage and equip it to "go the distance." Some of the information was gleaned from husbands and wives who have enjoyed successful marriages for thirty, forty, or fifty years. They have earned the right to advise us. We will also examine the major pitfalls that undermine a relationship, and offer advice on how to avoid them. Ultimately, of course, we will rely on the principles endorsed by the Creator of families Himself. That is pretty safe counsel, to be sure.

So let's get started, shall we? There is no better time than now — during the early years — to lay the proper foundation for a rock-solid marriage. To begin, I hope you will forget everything you've seen on those newlywed game shows. Unless, perhaps, you'd like to tell us about the last time you would have, if you could have, beat your spouse on the head with a frying pan. Move over, game show hosts. I can ask dumb questions, too!

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