A Life Well Lived

April 2003

Dear Friends,

With your indulgence, I would like to devote my newsletter this month to a subject that is almost too personal to share. It concerns the death of my wife's beloved stepfather, who passed away in mid-February. There has never been a man quite like him. This is his story.

Joseph Leo Kubishta was born on a very poor farm near Dickinson, North Dakota, on March 12, 1912. His mother died tragically when he was nine. She left 12 children, including a baby and a toddler, to fend for themselves. Their father was abusive at times and often disappeared for days on drinking binges. Joe was forced to drop out of school when he was in the eighth grade to work in a coal mine. He left the farm at 18 years of age when the nation was caught in the grip of the Great Depression. Jobs were scarce and a young man such as Joe with no money and no influential friends was fortunate simply to earn enough to eat. He often said, "I them." Joe migrated eventually to California, as did many other refugees from Midwestern farms, chasing the promise of work. For the next few years, Joe set pins in a bowling alley, worked on a potato farm and did whatever was necessary to stay alive.

How could it be that a man with so many disadvantages and limitations would turn out to be one of the most optimistic, loving, happy and productive people on earth? I never heard him say a mean thing about another human being. He was known everywhere by his broad grin and by the warmth of his winsome personality. Those who knew Joe Kubishta instantly liked him. He became like a father to me after the death of my dad in 1977, and I already miss him profoundly.

In 1942, Joe joined the United States Navy and served aboard the battleship, South Dakota. He fought at Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima and Okinawa, among other horrific campaigns in the Pacific. His combat assignment toward the end of the war was to fire a machine gun at deadly Kamikaze planes diving toward the ship. During one terrible battle, a shell exploded on deck, killing 160 men and wounding many others. Thank God, Joe was not among them. He received numerous medals, including the NAVY UNIT COMMENDATION FOR OUTSTANDING HEROISM in action at Guadalcanal. He was honorably discharged on November 3, 1945. Joe was a member of what NBC news anchor Tom Brokaw termed "The Greatest Generation." They were forged in the fire of privation and discipline, and were intensely patriotic, courageous and self-sacrificial.

Shortly after the war, Joe met and fell in love with a beautiful woman named Alma Wisham Deere, who had two teenagers, John and Shirley. The Kubishtas were married December 16, 1950, and celebrated their 52nd anniversary on December 16, 2002. The love and commitment of Joe and Alma to one another are legendary. Joe also loved John and Shirley as though he were their biological father, and provided stability throughout their adolescent years. He became a highly skilled ceramic tile setter and had his own business. Through hard work and diligence, he provided admirably for his family until his retirement in 1978, having helped the kids get through college.

Ten years later, I was thoroughly charmed by a co-ed named Shirley Deere. We were married in 1960 and I became part of the Kubishta family. Being a son-in-law to those great people has been a highlight of my life. In fact, I referred to them in my recent book, Bringing Up Boys. This is what I wrote: "I find that children and young people are starved today for family life as it used to be — but almost never is. My in-laws, Joe and Alma Kubishta, are 89 and 90 years of age, and yet my daughter and her friends love to visit their home. Why? Because everything there is so much fun. They have time to play table games, laugh, eat and talk about whatever interests young people. Nobody is in a hurry. If these folks are ever called on the phone, they are always available to talk. One of their frequent visitors has been an unmarried man named Charlie who just loves the Kubishtas. When he had to move away, he drove 60 miles to their house with a rosebush that he planted in their backyard. He just wanted to make sure Joe and Alma didn't forget him. [His gift is called 'The Charlie bush' today.] This elderly man and woman provide something to those who are younger that is simply not available elsewhere. How sad."

Here's another quote from my book: "This competitive impulse is evident in 'boys' of all ages. My father-in-law is 89 years old, but still loves the thrill of victory. Joe plays golf four to five times per week and keeps track of his wins and losses against his younger buddies. He is especially good at a card game called 'Hearts,' which he played during offhours in the Navy. He taught the game to me when Shirley and I were first married, and we played it every time we were together. But Joe never revealed the secrets of winning. Three years went by before I figured out how he was beating me. He just laughed and said, 'Let's play again.' Now I have a secret of my own. When Joe has a good hand and is quietly trying to 'run it,' his neck turns red. I just watch that region below his ears and I can tell what he's trying to do. You see, Joe isn't the only one who loves to win."

Joe was incredibly healthy until the very end of his life. He had had one small dental cavity, and was in the hospital only once for something relatively minor. He continued playing golf regularly until six months before his death. Believe it or not, Joe shot an 87 on his 90th birthday, and hit a "hole in one" when he was 85. Here is a photo taken as he retrieved his ball after that miraculous drive.

Now I must relate some exciting news to you. Joe was not a Christian when he married Alma. At least if he was, he never talked about it. He came out of an era when people didn't like to discuss their faith, and he considered his convictions to be a very private matter. As the years passed, we talked often about Jesus Christ, and he gave every indication of having given his heart to the Master. Even when Alma was too sick to attend, Joe would get dressed on Sunday morning and go to a Baptist church nearby. We prayed together as a family and Joe would sometimes lead, but still, he never said the words we wanted to hear.

Finally, I took him to lunch one day, just the two of us, to talk about his commitment to Christ. Joe told me he was a Christian, and I believed him, but I wasn't sure he fully understood what that meant. I did the best I could under the circumstances.

When we were told by the urologist this past November that Joe was dying, Shirley and I felt a great urgency to assure that he was ready to meet his Maker. The stakes were too high to leave anything to speculation. I came to his bedside and said, "Joe, do you know for certain that you will be with us in heaven when you die?" He promptly changed the subject. Then I said rather sternly, "Joe, look at my mouth. I asked you a question and I want you to answer it." With that, he turned his face to the wall and wept. None of us had ever seen Joe cry before. He was, for the first time, very tender to the gentle voice of the Spirit.

Shirley called the Kubishta's minister at the Baptist church of Lakewood, California, and asked him to come and talk to Joe. Rev. Lyle Williams sat at his bedside and said, "You know, I have been preaching a series of sermons on hope, especially our hope of eternal life." They talked awhile and then the minister skillfully led Joe in the sinner's prayer. Then, a marvelous thing happened. Joe asked Jesus to come into his heart. The next day when Shirley and I visited, he suddenly held his hands in the air. This man who had never been willing to talk about his faith said with tears streaming down his face, "JIM, I'M SAVED. I'M SAVED!" I knelt beside him and said, "Joe, every sin that you have committed in your entire life has been forgiven, and they will never be remembered against you again. We're going to be together in heaven forever and forever." And yes, Shirley and I were crying too.

The next day when we arrived at the hospital, Joe began weeping again. "I'm clean," he said. "I feel so clean." It was a wonderful experience to see this precious soul, who may or may not have been justified earlier in the eyes of God, make a public confession of his dedication to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Though he was indeed dying in November, we asked God for one more Thanksgiving and one more Christmas together, and unbelievably, he was able to come home from the hospital on both days. We were given 10 more weeks with the man whom Shirley called "Pops," our kids called him "Grandpa" or "PapaJoe," and I called him "Josey." Even as he approached the end, everyone at the medical facility had fallen in love with Joe. One of his nurses said to Shirley, "I just love that man. All he talks about is how much he loves his wife. I wish I could put him in my pocket and take him home."

His beloved doctor for the past 40 years said to me in the hall one day, "Everyone loves that man in there," pointing to Joe's room. "You wanna know why? Cause he's a good man. He's never had much money, but he worked hard all his life. He's the kind of man who built this country."

Toward the end, I asked Joe if he was comfortable and if the hospital staff was treating him well. He said, "Oh Jim, they're good to me here. This is a great place. The food is good. I couldn't ask for anything better." As he spoke, I thought about this emaciated human being, lying on his bed all day with nothing to do but stare at the walls. Yet there was not a hint of self-pity in his demeanor. A Scripture verse came to my mind as he lay on his deathbed. The Apostle Paul had written it when he was in a Philippian prison and would soon be executed. Who knows what miserable circumstances he was encountering, and yet this is what he wrote:

". . . I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:12-13, NIV).

Joe Kubishta exemplified this peace and contentment, even as he approached the chilly waters of death. On February 14, Valentine's Day, Joe was voted "King of Hearts" by the medical staff and the patients at the convalescent hospital. He had trouble stringing words together coherently by that point, but it didn't matter. His winning personality was still evident. Five days later, February 19, my father-in-law slipped quietly out of this life and into eternity. He was nearly 91 years old. Now he has achieved the "crown of righteousness" (2 Tim. 4:8, NIV) and awaits the rest of our family on the other side.

I'll share one last story that was related during the memorial service. Our son Ryan, who has become a very effective speaker, gave one of the emotional eulogies (our daughter, Danae, also spoke from her heart). During his remarks, he talked about the meaning of success. Ryan described a day several months ago when he dropped by unexpectedly at his grandparents' house. He found them sitting at the kitchen table — not on opposite sides, but close together.

They were holding hands.

"What are you doing?" Ryan asked.

"We've just been sitting here this morning looking at one another," Alma replied.

After 52 years of marriage, they were content just to be in each other's company. "THAT," said Ryan, "is my definition of success."

Joe Kubishta is survived by his wife, Alma; by his son John and Marlene Deere, and their grown sons, Steve and Brad Deere; and by his daughter Shirley and me, and by our grown children, Danae and Ryan Dobson.

Goodbye, our beloved husband, father, grandfather and friend. You brought such incredible joy into our lives. Your smile and laughter will linger in our memories forever. We can hardly imagine life without you, but our separation will be brief. We will see you in the morning, in the presence of our wonderful Lord and Savior,

Jesus Christ. Because He lives, we can face tomorrow. Say "hello" to my mom and dad for me! Tell them we're trying to advance the "cause" to which they dedicated their lives.

Thank you, friends of Focus on the Family, for letting me share these intimate words with you this month. And thank you, also, for your partnership in this ministry. Pray for us when our names come to mind. That is what keeps us going.

Sincerely,

James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
President

P.S. As I re-read this letter, it occurred to me that there must be many of my readers today who have never made a commitment to Jesus Christ, even though they (you) may have been "in the church" for years. Perhaps Joe's story is very relevant to you or to a family member or friend. If you sense that inner voice that Joe heard as he lay dying, may I refer you to the book of John in the New Testament, as a good place to begin your journey?

Also, I'd like to offer you a resource from Focus on the Family titled "Coming Home: An Invitation to Join God's Family." This little booklet will help you understand what it means to place your faith in Jesus Christ, and will explain how to share the good news with friends and family members who don't yet have a relationship with Him. Just log on to www.family.org/cominghome to view this unique resource. If you don't have Internet access, you can request a printed copy by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY. You can even talk to someone here who can discuss your spiritual questions with you personally. Just let us know how we can serve you. There will be no charge, as usual, for our assistance and materials.