A Mother's Touch

August 2005

Dear Friends,

Greetings from all of us at Focus on the Family. I hope that you are enjoying these closing days of summer before the breathless responsibilities of the fall sweep in on us. Our ministry is doing well, although quite honestly, we could sure use a little extra help financially. If you can provide that assistance, we would certainly appreciate a late summer boost. Jim Daly, our president and CEO, along with the entire ministry team, would be relieved to have that support.

But on to the subject of this letter. You may know that of all the subjects that interest me, children are at the top of the list. I’ve devoted most of my professional life to their welfare in one way or another, first as a very young teacher in 1960, then as a school psychologist and administrator, then as a researcher and professor in a large children’s hospital and since 1977, in my role at Focus on the Family. Most of my books have dealt with childrearing. Obviously, I just love kids. I like everything about them, which is why I pursued a doctorate in child development at the University of Southern California. It’s been a rewarding ride.

I say all that to express my continued concern for this generation of kids, especially during the early childhood years. So much depends for them on the relationship with their mothers and fathers, which is a matter I discussed with strong feeling in my book, Bringing Up Boys. I wish every parent, every grandparent and every teacher were aware of the studies I shared in that chapter, "Mothers and Sons," because serious mistakes are being made that have lifelong implications for children — both male and female.

With that, let me share an excerpt that focuses specifically on mothers and the vital role they need to play. If you no longer have children, perhaps you could pass along this letter to someone who does. It could make an enormous difference in the life of a precious boy or girl.

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I have the highest respect and admiration for those who are blessed to be called mothers. There are few assignments in human experience that require the array of skills and wisdom needed by a mom in fulfilling her everyday duties. She must be a resident psychologist, physician, theologian, educator, nurse, chef, taxi driver, fire marshal and occasional police officer. And if she succeeds in each of these responsibilities, she gets to do it all again tomorrow.

To understand the world in which a young mother lives, our male readers might want to join one of them on a midmorning visit to the pediatrician’s office. After sitting for 45 minutes with a cranky, feverish toddler on her lap, Mom and Baby are finally ushered into the examining room. The doctor checks out the sick child and then tells the woman with a straight face, "Be sure you keep him quiet for four or five days. Don’t let him scratch the rash. Make certain he keeps the medicine down, and you’ll need to watch his stool."

"Yeah, sure, Doc! Any other suggestions?"

"Just one. This disease is highly contagious. Keep your other four kids away from him. I’ll see you in a week."

The amazing thing about mothers is that most of them would get this job done, and they would do it with love and grace. God made ’em good at what they do. And He gave them a passion for their children. Most of them would quite literally lay down their lives to protect the kids entrusted to their care. Despite that commitment, however, many women admit that raising boys has been a special challenge. As we mentioned earlier, they remember what it was like to be a frilly little girl, but they have only a vague notion of how their sons feel, think and behave. Boys are bent on making messes, teasing the other siblings, racing through the house and challenging every decision and order that comes their way.

One of my colleagues, Dr. Tim Irwin, shared his observation that women who have not grown up with brothers are often shocked by the sheer physicality of boys — by the sights and sounds and smells they generate. Some admit they are completely "clueless" in knowing how to deal with them. One obvious suggestion is to help boys release their excess energy by getting them involved in activities where fighting, laughing, running, tumbling and yelling are acceptable. Soccer, karate, Little League and football are a few possibilities. Moms also need to keep boys’ little minds and hands busy. It’s in their best interest to do so. My father once said about our energetic toddler, "If you let that kid get bored, you deserve what he’s going to do to you." Shirley’s stepfather, who has a South Dakota accent, once said after baby-sitting our kids for a week, "Oh, der good kids. You just gotta keep ’em out in da open." Good advice!

There’s another characteristic of boys that I’ll bet you’ve noticed. They ain’t listening most of the time. They have a remarkable ability to ignore anything that doesn’t interest them. Men are like that too. My wife can’t understand how I am able to write a book, including this one, while a televised football game is blaring in the study. I don’t actually watch and compose at the same time, but I can turn off the sound in my mind until I choose to hear it, such as when a replay appears on the screen. After watching for a moment, I go back to what I was doing. This is a "talent" that drives women crazy. Their husbands can read a report from the office and miss everything being said three feet away. One frustrated lady actually held a match to the bottom of the newspaper being read by her husband, which finally got his attention when it flamed up in his face. She said the only other way to have awakened him would have been to dance stark nude on the dining room table. I’m not even sure that would have worked.

Alas, boys have that same ability to ignore their moms. They honestly don’t hear the words that are being poured into their ears. That is why I recommend that you as a mom reach out physically and touch your boys if you want to get their attention. When they turn to look at you, give them your message in short bursts. I’ll talk more about communication with boys later, but for now, I want to discuss the various developmental milestones, beginning at birth.

We have been talking in previous chapters about the essential role that fathers play in boys’ early development, but moms are on the hook too. There is no way to overstate the importance of what is called "infant bonding" between mother and child of either sex. The quality of that relationship will have lifelong implications and can even determine life or death. Mary Carlson, a researcher from Harvard Medical School, recently studied an overcrowded Romanian orphanage, where row upon row of babies lay neglected in their cribs. The staff was hopelessly overworked, so the babies were rarely touched, even when feeding. What struck Carlson was the oppressive silence in the nursery. There was no crying, no babbling, not even a whimper. Upon physical examinations administered at age 2, Carlson found that the babies had unusually high amounts of a stress hormone in the blood called cortisol, which in large amounts is known to damage the brain. (We also mentioned this phenomenon in the fourth chapter.) Growth was stunted and the children acted half their age. Even if they manage to survive, they will never fully recover.

But what are the implications of less tragic circumstances where the mother-boy relationship simply fails to jell? That specific question was studied at Harvard University. Researchers found that early bonding is vital. It is even related to physical health 40 or 50 years later. Incredibly, 91 percent of college men who said they had not enjoyed a close relationship with their mothers developed coronary artery disease, hypertension, duodenal ulcers and alcoholism by the midlife years. Only 45 percent of the men who recalled maternal warmth and closeness had similar illnesses. Even more surprising is the fact that 100 percent of participants in this study whose parents were cold and distant went on to suffer numerous diseases in midlife. In short, the quality of early relationships between boys and their mothers is a powerful predictor of lifelong psychological and physical health. When certain needs are not met in infancy, trouble looms down the road.

Given the delicate nature of infants, perhaps it is understandable why I remain unalterably opposed to the placement of babies in day-care facilities unless there is no reasonable alternative. Children may appear to be dealing adequately with a series of temporary caregivers, but they were designed to link emotionally with a mother and a father and to develop securely within the protection of their arms. That belief was rarely challenged for some 5,000 years, but many women today feel they have no choice but to get back to a job as soon as possible after giving birth. If you are one of them, let me say respectfully and compassionately that I understand the financial and emotional pressures you face. But to new mothers who have other options, I would strongly recommend that you not hand your babies over to child-care workers, many of whom are underpaid and untrained and who will not share your irrational commitment to that infant.

My opinion on this subject is based on hard data. The National Institute of Child Health and Human Development has conducted the most comprehensive study of this issue to date. More than 1,100 mothers and children at 10 premier child-care sites across the United States were evaluated when the children were 6, 15, 24 and 36 months of age. Preliminary results were reported in USA Today as follows: "Working moms worry that if they leave their infants and toddlers in the care of others, relationships with their children will be affected. News from the federal government says they are right to be concerned. Longer hours spent in child care in the first three years of life tend to mean less positive interaction between mother and child." Preliminary findings confirm that leaving a very young child in a day-care facility is associated with less sensitive mothering and child engagement. The child also tends to react less positively to the mother. In other words, the bond between mother and child is affected somewhat negatively by early day-care experience, especially if the mother tends by nature to be insensitive.

The data reported above were issued when the study was incomplete. When it was concluded in 2001, the researchers announced even more disturbing findings. They said that children who spend most of their time in child care were three times as likely to exhibit behavioral problems in kindergarten as those who were cared for primarily by mothers. These results were based on ratings of the children by their mothers, those caring for them and by kindergarten teachers. There was a direct correlation between the amount of time spent in child care and traits such as aggression, defiance and disobedience. The more time spent in these out-of-home settings, the greater the behavior problems. Dr. Jay Belsky, one of the study’s principal investigators, said children who spent more than 30 hours a week in child care "are more demanding, more noncompliant and they are more aggressive. They scored higher on things like gets in lots of fights, cruelty, bullying, meanness, as well as talking too much, demands must be met immediately." This is not good news for the 13 million preschoolers, including 6 million infants and toddlers, who are in child care in the United States.

After the release of this study, there was a hue and cry from the liberal community that has told us for years that children actually thrive better in child-care centers. They attacked the methodology of the study and claimed its findings were invalid. Others demanded more federal money for quality child-care programs. No one doubts that better day-care options are needed by parents who must depend on them. However, I may have a better idea. Why not reduce the tax burden on parents so that mothers can do what most of them desperately want to do — stay at home with their children?

In a study conducted by Public Agenda, 70 percent of mothers of children under 5 wanted to leave the workforce. Seventy-one percent said day care was the option of "last resort." When asked what child-care arrangement is best for young children, 70 percent said one parent at home is preferable. Fourteen percent said having both parents work different shifts is best, and six percent favored a close relative. Only six percent thought the best option was a quality day-care center. Deborah Wadsworth, president of Public Agenda, said, "When it comes to handing their child over to another adult they do not know, they are gripped by anxiety."

What does this mean for public policy? Let me say it again. The U.S. Congress should provide tax credits and other economic incentives for mothers (or fathers) who choose to stay at home. Why have they not done so to this point? Because they want the tax revenues that come from two-income families and because they are lobbied heavily by feminists and others who want all the advantages to go toward the employed mother. It’s time to balance the scales. I am not unsympathetic to the working mom who struggles mightily to do what is called "double duty." She needs our love and respect too. Many working moms are in the labor force because they feel they have no alternative financially.

When our firstborn was 2 years old, I was finishing my doctoral work at the University of Southern California. Every available dollar was needed to support my tuition and related expenses. Although we didn’t want Shirley to work when Danae was young, we felt we had no alternative. Shirley taught school and our little girl was taken to a day-care center each morning. One day when we arrived at the facility, Danae began to cry uncontrollably. "No! No! No, Daddy!" she said to me. She clung to my neck as I carried her to the door and then begged me not to leave. Children at that age typically do not like to be left by parents, but this was something different. Danae had a look of terror in her eyes, and I suspected that she had been very upset the last time she was there. I could only imagine what had happened. I turned and walked back to the car carrying my precious daughter. When we were alone, I said, "Danae, I promise that you will never have to stay there again." And she never did.

Shirley and I talked about how we were going to keep my promise. We finally decided to sell and "eat" one of our two Volkswagens, which allowed her to stay home and take care of our daughter for a year. By the time the money was gone, I was out of school and we could afford for Shirley to be a full-time mom. Not everyone could do what we did, and certainly, there are millions of single parents out there who have no alternatives. If that is the case, you simply have to make the best of it. If a relative or a friend can keep your child during the day, that is better than a child-care facility, all things being equal. What is needed is continuity in the relationship between a child and the one who provides daily care.

The bottom line from many studies of infancy and early child development is consistent: babies have several essential emotional needs. Among them are touch, connection, permanence, nurturance and reassurance. I ache for the many abused and neglected children out there today whose needs are tragically ignored. There is nothing sadder in life than an unloved child or one who feels unloved. Sometimes I wish babies were born with a sign around their necks that warns, "Caution! Handle with care! Love me. Protect me! Give me a place in your heart."

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Well, that’s my message this month. If you are a parent or grandparent, we have some wonderful materials produced by our Focus on Your Child™ ministry that we would love to share with you. The print newsletters and parenting tips on CDs are age-appropriate with pertinent information regarding your child’s health, education, development, faith, entertainment and many other life-shaping issues. These materials are designed with very busy families in mind. Sign up for this complimentary membership program by contacting us at www.focusonyourchild.com or (800) A-FAMILY (232-6459). This program is made available through the generosity and support of Focus on the Family donors. Though the materials are provided at no charge, we would appreciate contributions from those who are able to make them.

Thanks for joining me again. It is an honor to be invited into your home. Why don’t you come visit our house some day? We’ve had over 200,000 friends come by to see us at Focus in the last year. We’d love to have you join them when time permits, and yes, bring your kids. I think they would have a ball in the Adventures in Odyssey area of our Welcome Center. And you will too.

We’ll see you then.

Sincerely,

James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
Chairman and Founder