Danae's New Book

July 2003

Dear Friends:

Many of you have probably heard the old proverb "The apple never falls far from the tree." It means, in essence, that children tend to develop attitudes, abilities and indeed, even flaws, that are similar to the personal characteristics of their parents. From the moment a child is born, and continuing all the way through his or her life, those of us who are followers of Christ pray that the Lord will enable us to instill biblical values in the offspring He has entrusted to our care. When it comes to embracing our faith and emulating our values, we want our children to fall very, very near the tree!

Shirley and I certainly don’t claim to have been perfect parents, but we do take great joy in the fact that, by God’s grace, both of our children love the Lord and are endeavoring to serve Him in their adult lives. Our son, Ryan, has just finished his first book about absolute truth entitled, Be Intolerant. He is actively engaged in youth ministry and is a full-time speaker represented by the Ambassador Agency in Nashville. Shirley and I are extremely proud of Ryan and the work he is accomplishing for the sake of the kingdom.

This month, however, I’d like to turn the spotlight on our daughter, Danae, who, like her younger brother, has a passion for sharing God’s love with others through writing and speaking. I have always suspected that Danae would follow in her father’s footsteps and take up the pen. After all, she wrote and published her first manuscript, titled Woof! A Bedtime Story About a Dog, when she was only twelve years old! (Woof and his friends have since become recurring characters in a popular series created by Danae). In fact, she has authored 19 children’s books, including not only the "Woof" series, but also the "Forest Friends" and "Sunny Street Kids Club" series. In addition, Tyndale House published Parables for Kids in 1999, a joint effort between Danae and myself. Of all of her projects, that is the one of which I am most proud.

Until now, at least. Danae’s newest book, aimed not at children but at girls between 11 and 17, has just been released by our friends at Tyndale. Titled Let’s Talk! The Girlfriends’ Guide to God, Guys, and Growing Up, this resource features Danae’s insightful observations as a "big sister" talking candidly about relationships, including friends, parents, boys and most importantly, the Lord. I believe this book will be a source of inspiration and information to girls who are growing up in a culture that is increasingly hostile to biblical values.

To give you an idea of what the book is about, I’d like to share two of the 40 "chapters" that Danae has written. The first one discusses the issue of profanity and inappropriate language in every day life. The second is on "family," and I think you will see why this chapter, in particular, is so meaningful to me.

PARDON MY "FRENCH"

PSALM 19:14

What do you say when you stub your toe or slam a door on your finger? In moments like these, you gotta say something! It just isn’t natural to remain silent. I’m sure there are some folks who express their discomfort with a simple "Ouch!" but I’m not one of them. You probably aren’t either. "Ouch!" is too mild when you’re doubled over in pain.

Maybe that’s why some people shout obscenities. Something about screaming the nastiest word that comes to mind just seems to get the point across. Swearing is inappropriate for a Christian, of course, so some of us spout off a string of ridiculous words that don’t make any sense.

The other night, I ran barefoot into the cat’s scratching post. Are you aware that those carpeted pillars have a hard piece of wood underneath? My poor toes! I think I muttered every non-cuss word I could think of as I collapsed in agony. For the rest of the night I had to hobble on one foot because it hurt to walk. If there was ever a time to rattle off a string of obscenities, that was it! The next day my toes were a vibrant shade of purple — a tribute to my clumsiness.

One doesn’t have to be in anguish to feel tempted to cuss, though. I hear bad language in all kinds of settings — everything from relaying humor to telling a story. Just today I overheard two guys talking while I was getting my car serviced. One of them chuckled and said a four-letter word in connection with his soft-drink cup. I could tell that he thought nothing about what he said — it was just everyday conversation to him.

Why do you think profanity is so common? I think it’s fair to say that some of the responsibility goes to the film industry. I have seen movies where bad language was used in almost every scene.

The interesting thing about foul language in movies is that it serves no purpose. Yes, I’ve heard the argument about the importance of realistic characters, but that doesn’t justify swearing. I’ve seen many powerful, award-winning films that didn’t have cuss words. Besides, people do all sorts of disgusting things in real life, but we don’t want to spend our money to watch them do it. So why would we want to watch realistic characters cuss and swear for two hours?

Peer pressure is another contributor to the widespread use of profanity. When your friends are saying four-letter words on a regular basis, it seems natural to incorporate them into your own vocabulary.

It’s the old "everybody’s doing it" rationale. For whatever reason, the use of profanity seems to be increasing in our culture. I’m sure you hear it almost every day at school, in your neighborhood or on television. When a person is exposed to "gutter language" over a period of time, a process known as desensitization occurs. This means that the shock effect is gone — what was once appalling now seems normal. We have become a nation of foul-mouthed people!

Did you know that God is very displeased by the crude way we talk? That is what we read in His Word. Consider these passages:

• "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29, NIV).
• "Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving" (Ephesians 5:4, NIV).
• "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord" (Psalm 19:14, NIV).

As you can see, the Bible is very clear about God’s expectations. He wants us to be conscious of what we say and to bring glory and honor to Him with our words.

This raises a very important point: Some Christians feel comfortable using the phrase "Oh my G––!" in casual conversation. I cringe when I hear people use the Lord’s name disrespectfully, and I wonder if they know how He feels about that. Exodus 20:7 says, "You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name (NIV)." This warning was significant enough to be included in the Ten Commandments, so it must be taken very seriously by anyone who is trying to do what is right.

I once confronted a friend at school about this. We were walking together after class, and she responded to something I said with, "Oh my G––!"

"You shouldn’t say that," I told her. "You’re using the Lord’s name in vain."

"No, I’m not," she argued. "To use His name in vain means to say it in anger!"

Perhaps some people would agree with this girl, but the Bible doesn’t say that. Here is another Scripture that refers to the reverence of God: "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless" (James 1:26, NIV).

The Bible also says, "Let us purify ourselves from every thing that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God" (2 Corinthians 7:1, NIV). The way we talk reveals how much (or how little) we respect our heavenly Father.

To sum it up, if you aren’t talking to God or talking about Him, you shouldn’t be using His name. The same goes for Jesus Christ, the "name that is above every name" (Philippians 2:9, NIV). He is the Creator of the universe; the almighty King of kings and Lord of lords. Can we really justify throwing His name around as though it meant nothing?

Here’s a question to ask yourself: Are the words of your mouth and the meditation of your heart pleasing to the Lord (Psalm 19:14)? If bad words have slipped out of your mouth lately, here’s some good news: You can ask God’s forgiveness and start again with a clean slate! God will help you avoid unwholesome talk and the temptation to swear — even when you drop a five-pound book on your toe!

DADDY’S GIRL

DEUTERONOMY 5:16

"Higher, Daddy!" I squealed as my thirty-five-pound body dropped into his outstretched hands.

Once again, my father hurled me to the clouds (at least it felt that high), and I giggled all the way down. For an energetic three-year-old, this was just about the biggest thrill ever. I wanted Daddy to repeat the "air-toss" game again and again.

On the weekends, he took me for bicycle rides. I had my own little seat on the back of his 10-speed. We would glide down the road with the sun on our backs and the wind in our faces, often stopping at our favorite fast-food place, Taco Lita. On other days, we would get ice-cream cones and ride to the park.

While we were there, my dad would push me in the swing and build a sand castle with me. Our creations always looked realistic — never a lopsided mess with a flag stuck on top. Each one had a drawbridge and a moat, just like the real thing. Part of the fun was filling and refilling those moats with water!

My father was very busy while I was growing up, but he always had time for his little girl. At home, I used to crawl behind him while he was working at his desk. He never pushed me away or told me to find something to do. My presence was always appreciated. Every now and then, he would take a break to wrestle on the floor or play a game with me.

Dad was a master at getting in touch with my imagination (probably a result of his Ph.D. in child development!). He and I used to crawl underneath the covers of my parents’ king-size bed and pretend that we were in a cave. Outside the "cave" there were bears and the weather was cold. As long as we stayed inside our refuge, we would be safe and warm. I would crawl to the top of the covers and peek out to make sure there were no bears in sight. Then I would quickly slide back into the "cave" for safety. What a fun experience that was!

Of course, not all my childhood memories are pleasant. There were conflicts and spankings. (Note: My dad was not one to "spare the rod." In fact, he wrote the best-selling book Dare to Discipline.) As I entered my teen years, my father and I sometimes locked horns over rules and curfews and money. Even though we didn’t always see eye to eye, it never hindered our love for each other. The bond between us remained strong and true.

Throughout my life, my dad has always been there for me — sometimes when I wasn’t even expecting it. A long time ago, I had a terrible fight with a boyfriend, and I was very upset. I can remember standing in front of the window, crying my eyes out. I thought I was alone. All of a sudden, I felt two hands on my shoulders. I whirled around to see my dad standing there. He put his arms around me and held me close as I sobbed into his shirt. Neither one of us said a word. Later, he and my mom and I talked the conflict out in detail. I felt so much better afterwards.

That experience reemphasized what I already knew to be true: Friends and boyfriends may come and go, but my dad will always be there for me.

We still share a special relationship. As I’m writing this, we’re in Palm Desert, California, completing our individual projects. My dad is writing in one room and I’m in another. In between the working hours, we’ve enjoyed some good laughs, wonderful food and interesting movies. Our love of history has prompted us to watch video documentaries together on ancient Rome, the American Revolution and Napoleon’s Battle of Waterloo. Okay — and yes, we’ve done Blockbuster, too!

A few years ago, my father had some serious health problems from which he has fully recovered, thankfully. Seeing Dad stricken made me more appreciative of every day that I have with him. I look for opportunities to put my arms around his neck and tell him I love him — to express how happy I am to be his daughter. Every day is a gift from God, and I’m so grateful that He’s given me more time to spend with my father. It’s a privilege that I thank the Lord for regularly!

How is your relationship with your father? Is it healthy, or is it marred by tension and conflict? If it’s not good, I hope that you’ll work at improving the communication lines. Remember what I said about making the most of every day — I wish someone had convinced me of that during my "independent stage." I would have reconsidered some of my words and actions.

Right now, some of you may be thinking, "It’s easy for you to offer that advice, Danae, but you don’t know my father! He’s abusive! He’s an alcoholic! I’ve never even heard him say that he loves me!"

I realize that there are many dads out there who haven’t earned the title. It may seem impossible to reach out to a parent who has done little or nothing to deserve your affection. Why even bother to try?

As with all of life’s conflicts, we need to look to God’s Word for guidance. The fifth commandment is found in Deuteronomy 5:16. It reads, "Honor your father and your mother (NIV)." Notice that the words are direct and to the point — no clauses or exceptions. I believe that the Lord wants us to follow this command, even if we don’t think our parent(s) deserves honor.

What does it mean to honor someone? One dictionary defines it this way: "To hold in high respect." Does God actually expect us to show respect to a "deadbeat dad" who’s never around? Yes, He does! By requiring us to have a loving attitude toward our parents (and toward all people), the Lord is protecting us from anger, resentment and bitterness that can destroy us from within. It is His plan for the entire human family to "love one another."

Remember, too, that the respect you give to your dad might be the one thing that will soften his heart. I know that it’s difficult to reach out to a parent when every fiber of your being screams, "No way!". But this is what Jesus wants you to do. With His help, you can forgive your dad for the pain he has caused you. If you haven’t done so already, start praying about this! God will provide you with the direction to begin the healing process. Who knows? You might be instrumental in strengthening your dad’s relationship with the Lord!

For those of you who don’t have a dad in your life, I have some good news for you: Your heavenly Father loves you more than you could ever comprehend. If you are His child, He will always give you the guidance and support you need. Hosea 14:3 sums it up in a beautiful way: "In you the fatherless find compassion (NIV)." What a comforting promise!

In a sense, I guess every one of us is a "Daddy’s girl" — safe and secure in the love of our heavenly Father. I really like that feeling, don’t you?

Isn’t that a beautiful commentary? (I realize, of course, that I’m biased, since my daughter wrote it, and because she has such nice things to say about her dear old dad!) In all seriousness, it’s tremendously gratifying to see the passion for ministering to others that is so evident in Danae’s writing. I’m reminded of the passage in 3 John that reads, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth" (v. 4, NIV). Amen! I’m also thankful that Danae’s experiences growing up have provided her with insights and reflections that she can now use in reaching out to the upcoming generation of young women. If you have a teenage daughter, or if you know someone who does, I hope you’ll consider tracking down a copy of Let’s Talk!. It would make a great "back to school" gift for the girl(s) in your life.

But there is another reason that Danae’s new book is so important to me just now. I have spent much of this summer working on a revised and updated version of my book The Strong Willed Child, the original version of which was published in 1978. Once that project is completed, however (and it is nearing its end), I plan to turn my attention to the long-awaited sequel to my best seller Bringing Up Boys (which, not surprisingly, will be titled Bringing Up Girls).

One of the main points of Bringing Up Boys was that young males in our society face obstacles and dangers that are, in many ways, even more acute than those confronting girls. Still, there are some very important things to be said about the unique challenges associated with parenting "the fairer sex!" Danae’s book has provided me with food for thought as I begin to organize my thoughts about Bringing Up Girls. Her insights will be invaluable as I endeavor to present my readers with a biblical model for what to do (and what not to do!) in raising a young woman in the fear and admonition of the Lord.

Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts with you again this month. As much as I enjoy being able to convey news of interest via this letter, I hope you’ll remember that, as a ministry, Focus on the Family thrives on two-way communication with our friends. If you have a comment or concern, or if you are in need of prayer or family related resources, I hope you won’t hesitate to contact us. We’d love to hear from you, and we would welcome the opportunity to reach out to you using whatever resources the Lord provides. Blessings to you all!

I hope you’re having a wonderful summer with family and friends.

Sincerely,

James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
Founder and Chairman

P.S. I’m pleased to announce a new initiative here at Focus that is designed to provide practical assistance to those who are facing challenges in their personal lives or family relationships, but who do not have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Our new Web site, www.troubledwith.com, offers advice on topics as diverse as alcoholism, sexual abuse, debt, sibling rivalry, divorce and menopause, to name a few. Although not explicitly Christian in nature, "TroubledWith" points users to biblical principles — and ultimately, the gospel message — as the source of immediate help and long-term hope in the struggles they face. I hope you’ll consider recommending this unique resource to your non-Christian friends and loved ones.