Encouragement for Frazzled Parents

September 2004

Dear Friends,

Greetings to you all. As the memories of summer fade and the sight of school buses and backpack-clad children fill your neighborhood once again, I've decided that the time has come to share with you an excerpt from my book, The New Strong-Willed Child. It has been completely revised and updated from the introduction to the final chapter. Perhaps you or a new parent in your family needs a little encouragement today. I hope the words that follow will provide that support and concern.

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There are many wonderful emotions that accompany the exhilarating privilege of bringing a baby into the world and then watching that little tyke begin to grow and learn and develop. How well I remember our son and daughter taking the first step, and saying the first word, and riding the first tricycle, and praying the first prayer, and progressing rapidly through the many other exciting milestones of childhood. The first day of kindergarten was a highly emotional morning for me, when I placed our precious little girl on the steps of the bus, moved back to take her picture, and watched as she and the other children rode slowly down the street. Then I wiped away a tear as I walked back to the house. Our baby was growing up.

There would be many other joyful and bitter-sweet experiences along the way, as Shirley and I gradually realized the breathtaking brevity of the parenting years. Even when our kids were in elementary school, we were already starting to dread the day when our parenting responsibilities would be over. Predictably, in what seemed like a moment of time, a cold wind of change blew through our home, leaving an empty nest that took some getting used-to.

Yes, being a mom or dad is one of the most marvelous experiences in living, and I feel compassion for infertile couples that have been denied the privilege of procreation. But men and women who are granted that precious gift know that a measure of pain and sorrow comes with it. Kids often struggle with a variety of learning problems, physical disabilities, accidents, diseases and/or social difficulties. Then come the tumultuous years of adolescence when, for some teens more than others, every day can be a challenge. All of these stress points are exacerbated when a child has a willful temperament and a tendency to fuss and argue and disobey. Parents raising such a youngster sometimes feel as though they live every day on a battlefield.

It is on behalf of those frustrated, discouraged and confused parents that I have written this book. I have wanted, especially, to put an arm around moms and dads who feel like utter failures in this most important responsibility in life. They, (perhaps you,) wanted to be a perfect parent, doing that job with greater success than any other. Instead, it looks now as though every good intention has been misinterpreted, resented, and resisted. Is that where you are today?

Do you find yourself thinking at times, "I love this kid more than anything in the world, but sometimes I don't really like him or her very much? We can't get along for more than 10 minutes without clashing over relatively insignificant matters. Why does this child make me so angry, when what I most want is harmony and love? Why is our relationship so unsatisfying and disturbing? What did I do to mess up something that began with such promise and hope? Not only have I failed my child. I have failed God, too."?

Let's talk about those feelings for a moment, which are common at one time or another within almost all caring moms and dads. Parenthood can be a very guilty proposition. Babies come into our lives when we are young and immature, and there are no instructional manuals that would guide our first halting steps. There is no manufacturing tag on a newborn's wrist that says, "Some assembly required." So we take these tiny human beings home with us, not yet knowing who they are, and then proceed to bumble along as best we can. As a consequence, many of the day-by-day decisions we make on their behalf are the result of sheer guesswork, as we hope against hope that we are doing the right thing. Our own inadequacies also get in the way. We get tired and frustrated and selfish, which sometimes affects our judgment. In those moments, we react without thinking and realize the next morning that we handled things all wrong.

In short, children are so maddeningly complex that it is impossible to raise them without making many blunders and mistakes. After about 20 years of on-the-job training, we begin to figure out what parenting is all about. By then it is time to let go and pretend we don't care any more.

Added to these difficulties are our own personal problems, which can include marital conflict or divorce, physical illnesses, financial pressures and the other cares of living. Our unmet needs, such as those experienced by single parents, can also lead us into behavior that will later seem terribly foolish. Do I sound as though I'm whining here? I hope not. I'm simply attempting to articulate the challenges that can accompany parenthood, and the discomfort that occurs for parents of strong-willed children when they begin to feel they have botched the assignment. (The parents of compliant children may not fully understand this emotional reaction, although there is usually enough related stress to affect everybody.)

Despite these discouraging moments, it is my firm conviction that bearing and raising children is worth everything it costs us. Along with the difficulties come the greatest joys and rewards life has to offer. How could that be true? How can the very thing that brings us anxiety and stress be the source of such happiness and fulfillment? There is an obvious contradiction here that bears consideration.

Christian writer C.S. Lewis tried to express the indescribable pain that he experienced when he lost his wife to cancer. He would not have been so devastated by her passing, he said, if he had not allowed himself to love her with all his heart. In the movie, Shadowlands, based on this period of Lewis' life, he wondered if it would have been better never to have loved at all, and avoided the risk of losing the woman he adored. It would certainly have been "safer" to live in a fortress, protecting himself from disappointment and grief by remaining emotionally detached and uncaring. Lewis considered these responses to sorrow and concluded that in the end, love is worth the risk. This is the way he penned it:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries … lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. … The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell!"1

Then Lewis added this concluding thought: "Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone."

Doesn't this insight speak eloquently of the pain associated with parenthood? It certainly does to me. This is what bearing and raising children comes down to. Loving those we have borne is risky business, but one that also brings great joy and happiness. Even though there are often trials and tears associated with the challenge, it is a noble journey. We as parents are given the privilege of taking the raw materials that comprise a brand-new human being, and then molding him or her day by day into a mature, disciplined, productive and God-fearing adult who will live somewhere in eternity. Doing that job right, despite its setbacks and disappointments, is one of the greatest achievements in living.

I want to offer hope to those moms and dads today that are demoralized at this stage of the journey. First, you must recognize that strong-willed children are not a liability, and you should never let yourself feel victimized or "cheated" by having borne one of them. DO NOT compare your child with the "perfect" children of your relatives or friends. They will have their share of problems too, in time. Admittedly, a tough minded kid is harder to raise and at times may push you right to the edge. But that wonderful assertiveness and determination with which he or she is born will be an asset when grown. That irritating temperament was a gift from God, and He makes no mistakes.

You should also recognize that kids often possess a certain strength of character that will help them grab the opportunities that come their way. When they make up their minds to reach for something, they are likely to stay with it until the goal is achieved. They are also less susceptible to peer pressure, maybe not during early adolescence, but as maturity begins to set in. What I said before bears repeating. Though they typically argue and fight and complain throughout their years at home, the majority will turn around when they reach young adulthood and do what their parents most desire. Better days are around the corner.

However, the realization of that potential appears to depend on the provision of a structured early home environment led by loving, fair-minded mothers and fathers who are clearly tougher and wiser than they. Those who are reasonably effective in shaping the will without breaking the spirit are going to appreciate the person their child eventually becomes.

That is what we found when we surveyed 35,000 parents. More than 85 percent of adult strong-willed children who rebelled significantly during their teenage years came back to what they had been taught — entirely or at least "somewhat." Only 15 percent were so headstrong that they rejected their family's core values in their mid-twenties.2 These findings tell us that you, too, are probably doing a better job with your kids than you might think. Future years will confirm that the guilt that haunted your thoughts and invaded your dreams was unjustified and self-imposed.

In short, the youngster that sometimes exasperates you today probably has little green buds growing all over his tree, even if all you see now are the barren twigs of winter. It will take time for him or her to flower, of course, but springtime is on its way. Trust me on this one.

It is always encouraging for me to hear from parents who have lived through the stresses of parenting and discovered that the principles of good parenting are valid. They "work," because they came from the Creator of children. One of these mothers sent me a letter some years ago after concluding, much too early, that my advice didn't work and that I must not have understood hard-nosed youngsters like her own. This is what she wrote:

Dear Dr. Dobson

After purchasing your book, The Strong-Willed Child, I must tell you I was disappointed. The beginning was encouraging, but then the rest was devoted to general childrearing techniques; I thought the entire book was written about the strong-willed child. Are you sure you know what one is? Nearly every child is strong-willed, but not every child is "strong-willed!"

Our third (and last) daughter is "strong-willed!" She is 21 months old now, and there have been times when I thought she must be abnormal. If she had been my firstborn child there would have been no more in this family. She had colic day and night for six months, then we just quit calling it that. She was simply unhappy all the time. She began walking at eight months and she became a merciless bully with her sisters. She pulled hair, bit, hit, pinched and pushed with all her might. She yanked out a handful of her sister's long black hair.

This mother went on to describe the characteristics of her tyrannical daughter which I have heard thousands of times. She then closed, advising me to give greater emphasis to the importance of corporal punishment for this kind of youngster.

I wrote her a cordial letter in reply and told her I understood the frustration. Five years later, she wrote me again:

Dear Dr. Dobson,

This letter is long overdue, but, thank you! Thank you for a caring reply to what was probably not a very nice letter from a discouraged mom. Thank you for your positive remarks, the first I had had in a long time.

Perhaps you would be interested in an update on our Sally Ann. Back when I wrote to you, she was probably a perfect "10" when it came to strong-willedness. "Difficult" hardly scratches the surface of descriptive words for her babyhood. As Christian parents, we tried every scriptural method we could find for dealing with her. I had decided she was abnormal. Something so innocent as offering her morning juice (which she loved) in the wrong glass threw her into 30 minutes of tantrums — and this was before she could really talk! Family dinners were a nightmare.

Before she turned two, Sally Ann would regularly brutalize her older sisters, even having the 12-year-old in tears many times. A spanking from me did not deter her in the least. Finally, in prayer one day the Lord plainly showed me that her sisters must be allowed to retaliate, something I was strictly against (and still am!). However, in this case, all I can say is that it worked. I carefully and clearly told my four girls (little Sally Ann in my lap) what they were to do the next time they were attacked by their littlest sister: they were to give her a good smack on the top of her chubby little leg, next to her diaper. Sally got the point: within two days the attacks ceased.

Disciplining our youngest was never easy, but with God's help, we persevered. When she had to be spanked, we could expect up to an hour of tantrums. It would have been so easy to give in and ignore the misbehavior, but I am convinced that, without it, our Sally would have become at best a holy terror, and at worst, mentally ill. Tell your listeners that discipline does pay off, when administered according to the Word of God.

Sally today is a precious seven-year-old and a joy to her family. She is still rather strong-willed, but it is well within normal limits now! She is very bright and has a gentle, creative and sympathetic nature unusual in one so young. I know the Lord has great plans for her. She has already asked Jesus into her life and knows how to call upon Him when she has a need (like fear from a nightmare, etc.).

In conclusion, though I still don't think you went far enough in your book, loving discipline certainly is the key. With perseverance!

Thank you and may God's continued blessing be upon you and your household and your ministry, through Jesus Christ our Lord.

In His love,

Mrs. W. W.

Once again, I wrote to this mother and concluded with these words:

"Thank you too, Mrs. W., for your original letter and for this update. It was a special treat to hear from you again. You're obviously on the right track with Sally Ann. Hang in there during the adolescent challenges that still lie before you.

James Dobson

If Mrs. W. reads this revised edition of The New Strong-Willed Child, I want her to know that I had her in mind when I set out to rewrite it. I'd like to ask her if I got it closer to the target this second time around. She sounds like a mom I would like to meet.

Let's review the important concepts I have put forward one more time, focusing especially on the principles calculated to produce a positive outcome in the years to come.

1. You should not blame yourself for the temperament with which your child was born. She is simply a tough kid to handle, and your task is to match her stride for stride.

2. He is in greater danger because of his inclination to test the limits and scale the walls. Your utmost diligence and wisdom will be required to deal with him. You simply have to be tougher than he is, but to do it without being angry and oppressive.

3. If you fail to understand his lust for power and independence, you can exhaust your resources and bog down in guilt. It will benefit no one.

4. For parents who have just begun, take charge of your babies now, hold tightly to the reins of authority and quickly begin building into them an attitude of respect and obedience. You will need every ounce of "awe" you can muster in coming years. Once you have established your right to lead, begin to let go of the reins systematically, year by year.

5. Don't panic, even during the storms of adolescence. They never last forever. The sun will shine again, producing, perhaps, a beautiful rainbow over your spirit. You're going to get through this.

6. Don't let your son or daughter stray too far from you emotionally. Stay in touch. Don't write them off, even when your every impulse is to do just that. They need you now more than ever before.

7. Give that kid time to find herself, even if she appears not to be searching.

8. Most importantly, I urge you to hold your children before the Lord in fervent prayer day by day by day. Begin every morning with a prayer for wisdom and guidance. I am convinced that there is no other source of confidence in parenting. There is not enough knowledge in the books, mine or anyone else's, to counteract the evil that surrounds our kids today. We must bathe them in fervent prayer. When you are in your "prayer closet," you might pray words similar to these:

"Lord, You know my inadequacies. You know my weaknesses, not only in parenting, but in every area of my life. I'm doing the best I can to raise my kids properly, but it may not be good enough. As You broke the fishes and the loaves to feed the five thousand hungry people, now take my meager effort and use it to bless my family. Make up for the things I do wrong. Satisfy the needs that I have not met. Compensate for my blunders and mistakes. Wrap Your great arms around my children, and draw them close to You. And be there when they stand at the great crossroads between right and wrong. All I can give them is my best, andI will continue to do that. I submit them to You, now, and rededicate myself to the task you have placed before me. The outcome rests securely in your hands."

I've found that God is faithful, as a loving Father, to hear and answer that cry of the heart. Turn to Him for solace when you've reached the end of your rope. He will be there to comfort you and work within the soul of your beloved child.

Speaking as a dad, I can tell you that I have applied the counsel I've shared with you in this book. Our grown children are the greatest sources of joy in our lives. One of them was strong-willed and the other compliant (but sneaky at times.) Nevertheless, both of them turned out to be great human beings who love their parents, (especially me,) and are deeply committed to Jesus Christ. It doesn't get any better than that.

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." (3 John 1:4, NIV).

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God's blessings to you all from your friends at Focus on the Family. Do come see us when you can. You'll get a warm greeting and maybe even a hug.

In Christ's name,

James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
Founder and Chairman