New Information About Divorce and Happiness

September 2002

Dear Friends:

Greetings from Focus on the Family! If there's a nip in the air in some parts of the country and the days are getting shorter, it must be September. Children everywhere are gathering their supplies, strapping on their backpacks and heading back to school. Other folks might be taking advantage of the last few weeks of warm weather to engage in some outdoor activities before the cold winds start to blow. Whatever you're doing during the transition from summer to fall, I trust that this letter finds you and your loved ones well.

This month I would like to discuss an important report that was released over the summer titled, "Does Divorce Make People Happy?" The study, which was conducted by the Institute for American Values in New York, reveals what we have observed clinically, but which has now been documented by research. The findings are noteworthy, because they debunk the modern myth that someone in a troubled marriage is faced with a choice between either staying in a miserable relationship or getting a divorce to be more happy.

Using data from the National Survey of Family and Households (a nationally representative survey with a wide-ranging data set looking at all kinds of family outcomes, including happiness,) the research team studied 5,232 married adults who were interviewed in the late 1980s. Of these individuals, 645 reported being unhappily married. Five years later, these same adults—some of whom had divorced or separated and some of whom had stayed married—were interviewed again.1

The results of these interviews were astounding. They revealed that a full two-thirds of the unhappily married spouses who stayed married were actually happier five years later! Among those who initially rated their marriages as "very unhappy," but remained together, nearly 80 percent considered themselves "happily married" and "much happier" five years later.2

Surprisingly, the opposite is found to be true for those who divorced. The Institute for American Values study confirmed that divorce frequently fails to make people happy because, while it might provide a respite from the pain associated with a bad marriage, it also introduces a host of complex new emotional and psychological difficulties over which the parties involved have little control. They include child-custody battles, emotionally scarred children, economic hardships, loneliness, future romantic disappointments, and so on. This helps explain why of all the unhappy spouses in the initial survey, only 19 percent of those who got divorced or separated were happy five years later.3

In the words of Dr. Linda J. Waite, a sociology professor at the University of Chicago and lead author of the study, "Staying married is not just for the children's sake . . . results like these suggest the benefits of divorce have been oversold."4 And indeed, the pain of divorce extends beyond parents and children to create heartache and distress for other extended family members. The 2000 census revealed that, as a result of divorce and several other factors, there are currently 2.4 million grandparents who act as the primary caregivers for their grandchildren.5 Many of these senior citizens are ill-equipped, both physically and financially, to care for children on a full-time basis.6 They thought they had completed their parenting responsibilities, but found themselves strapped again with the difficult responsibilities better handled by younger people.

Dr. Scott Stanley, another of the study's authors and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, explained the unexpected findings this way: "The conventional belief is that when a marriage is down, it is done. . . . But what we are seeing with these data is that there are couples who are basically down, but the relationship bounces back."7

Despite these encouraging results, families continue to splinter at an alarming rate. It is almost as easy to dissolve a marriage as it is to get a driver's license! Did you know that couples can now get a divorce over the Internet for as little as $20 per spouse? If the proper legal paperwork is transferred, the entire process can be finished in about 30 minutes.8 Barbara Dafoe Whitehead derisively calls our new attitude "expressive divorce" or divorce as a means of expressing your individuality and personal strength."9 The tragedy of this marital sudden death is the result of "no-fault divorce," which took the nation by storm in the 1970's. In essence, no-fault divorce laws have effectively nullified the act of marriage, making it little more than notarized dating. A person can abandon his or her family quicker and easier then he can get out of a cellular telephone contract.10 But if the results of the recent survey are any indication, relatively few of those couples who took advantage of this "quick fix" are happier for it today.

The latest trend is something called "collaborative divorce," which the Wall Street Journal described as "an increasingly popular process that is often faster, cheaper and more private than standard courtroom divorces, not to mention less emotionally taxing."11 The process requires that a couple and their lawyers sign a contract in which they agree to dissolve their marriage without litigation. This provides each spouse with a big incentive to settle, although if negotiations break down they can always hire new attorneys and start over again. (Isn't it ironic that disgruntled spouses are so willing to "start over again" with a new attorney, but not with each other?) Still, whether divorce proceedings are long and drawn out or quick and efficient, the emotional damage to the parties involved is inescapable. As the same Wall Street Journal article noted: "Collaborative divorce is part of a continuing, and sometimes futile, effort to accomplish the seemingly impossible: smooth, pain-free divorces . . . the reality remains that ending a marriage is, more often than not, acrimonious and difficult."12

We must acknowledge something here that was not addressed in the study. It is that divorce often occurs not because one of the parties seeks greater happiness, but because either the husband or wife finds a new lover and simply dumps the other. In this case, the breakup represents infidelity of one spouse and indescribable pain for the other. It is this devastating situation that I addressed at length in my book Love Must Be Tough.

Another contributing factor to the instability of families is the younger generation's enthusiastic embrace of cohabitation, or what used to be called "shacking up." It refers to living together outside of the bonds of a committed marriage. Since 1960, the number of cohabiting couples increased more than 1000 percent in America.13 More than a third of all cohabiting couples are raising children together. More than half of new marriages now involve couples who have lived together first. Unfortunately, many young people believe that their marriages will have a greater chance of success if they live together beforehand—a sort of "trial run" before actually tying the knot. However, research shows this is a very effective way to sink your marriage before it starts. It has been well established in the social science literature for many years that living together before marriage increases a couple's likelihood of divorce by 50 to 80 percent once they marry.14 In addition, cohabiting relationships are substantially more likely to be plagued by high levels of domestic violence, unfaithfulness, substance abuse and relational unhappiness than married relationships.15 According to an article in USA Today "Experts say that is often because those who choose to cohabit are not great believers in marriage in the first place."16 Dr. David Popenoe, noted sociologist from Rutgers University (and the son of one of my mentors!) explains, "the very act of living together may lead to attitudes that make a happy marriage more difficult."17

Despite the many cultural influences that weaken the institution of marriage, there is a glimmer of hope that things might be changing for the better. For example, a recent survey found that an amazing 85 percent of Oklahomans believe a new statewide effort to promote marriage and reduce divorce is a "good" or "very good" idea.18 What is more, 66 percent of respondents indicated that they would consider attending relationship-education classes. The Oklahoma survey also confirmed the findings of the Institute for American Values study, as it revealed that 34 percent of married couples had serious trouble in their marriage. Of those that remained married, 92 percent said they were "glad they were still together."19

Scientific evidence clearly confirms that the God-ordained institution of marriage is beneficial to men and women in society and that divorce is a damaging deviation from our Creator's divine plan. We also know, from a mountain of research coming to press over the past three decades, that marriage provides rich benefits for children. Seldom has social science come to such an unequivocal conclusion as it has in this instance. If you look at measures of child well-being, such as physical or emotional health, educational success, avoidance of drug use, sex, criminal behavior and poverty, you find that children born to or adopted by first-time married partners do significantly better in all measures than children in any other family category.20 Barbara Dafoe Whitehead summarized the overwhelming support for that statement almost ten years ago in her hard hitting essay titled, "Dan Quayle Was Right."21 In essence, Whitehead concluded: when parents stay married, children grow up healthier.

Conversely, divorce impacts kids more deeply than we ever imagined. Dr. Judith Wallerstein, the world's foremost authority on how divorce effects children, began studying the phenomena in the early 1970's. She, along with the majority of child psychologists at the time, assumed parental divorce would be a mere bump in the road for most children. However, as her research progressed, she explains, "I grew increasingly worried that divorce is a long-term crisis that was affecting the psychological profile of an entire generation. Divorce is a life-transforming experience."22 She says many of the children in her study say they weren't even aware their parents were having serious problems and the divorce marked the end of their childhood. Wallerstein says the break-up of a family is so detrimental to kids because "children identify not only with their mother and father as separate individuals, but with the relationship between them."23 From the child's perspective, mother and father are a naturally inseparable unit. I find it curious that Dr. Wallerstein explains it this way, for she is essentially saying that children see their parents as God sees them—as one flesh that cannot be torn asunder. As the great Christian writer Charles Williams put it, "Divorce is bad metaphysics."24

Let me offer a few words now on behalf of those of you who may have experienced a divorce yourself, or who are currently in a marriage that appears to be disintegrating before your very eyes. In highlighting the "success stories" of those whose marriages were on the brink of destruction, only to be brought back to life, it is not my desire to minimize or overlook the very real pain you are experiencing or the complex issues you are facing. Every day here at Focus on the Family, we hear from spouses whose stories involve an unbelieving mate, physical abuse, infidelity and more. We know that God hates divorce [Mal 2:16, Matt 19:4-6], but we also realize that, in our fallen world, it is sometimes inevitable.

Nevertheless, to those who are weary of the struggle and might be considering a divorce, may I suggest that you hang in there if possible. Avail yourselves of every existing resource to help you find common ground and reconciliation with your spouse. Consider talking to your pastor, or to a Christian counselor. (Focus on the Family maintains an extensive list of Christian professionals in most parts of the country who can help. Just call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY, and a member of our staff will put you in touch with a counselor in your area.) You might also want to attend a biblically based marriage enrichment seminar, or read some books that will help you work through the difficulties in your marriage.

Admittedly, there are some circumstances that are more difficult to handle. I wrote in my book Love Must Be Tough that a spouse should not stay in a physically abusive situation. Beatings and threats are a form of emotional blackmail from which a victim must break free. To those who find themselves living in the shadow of this fear, I suggest physical separation and, if possible, immediate counseling for the spouse who is being abused. The offender should be made to understand that he will lose his family if the destructive behavior continues. As it is with alcoholics and others who display irresponsible behavior, I believe "tough love" represents the best possibility for a healthy and restored marriage. I am biased, of course, but I think the advice found within the pages of my book will offer unique insight and suggestions for the "victim" of infidelity or abuse.

But to those individuals not burdened by issues related to these terribly destructive behaviors, I urge you to renew your commitment to one another despite your present discomfort. You may be pleasantly surprised by the results. The Institute for American Values study found that there is a strong correlation between marital commitment and marital happiness. According to the study, "A strong commitment to marriage as an institution, and a powerful reluctance to divorce, do not merely keep unhappily married people locked in misery together. They also help couples form happier bonds. To avoid divorce, many assume, marriages must become happier. But it is at least equally true that in order to get happier, unhappy couples or spouses must first avoid divorce."25 Dr. Scott Stanley sums it up this way: "In most cases, a strong commitment to staying married not only helps couples avoid divorce, it helps more couples achieve a happier marriage."26 That new understanding should give hope to marriages on the precipice.

Most importantly, if you and your spouse both have relationships with Jesus Christ, diligently seek His help. He created the institution of marriage, and He wants it to succeed! Rededicate your relationship to Him, asking for wisdom, grace and healing of the wounds that have been inflicted upon both of your hearts. Then, forge ahead in His power, remembering that "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain" (Psalm 127:1).

I have made these comments this month in the context of the one-year anniversary of the terrorist attacks of September 11th. Commemorations will be held nationwide and the world will again be reminded of how tenuous and temporary the gift of life can be. Back on that sunny September morning, thousands of men and women were not afforded the luxury of time to strengthen a marriage that may have been neglected, tattered or nearly torn apart. But if you are reading this letter, you do. I urge you to take action! Marriage is never perfect, but it's a perfect part of the Lord's plan.

I'll close by reiterating my invitation for you to contact us here at Focus on the Family. We care about your family. If you have endured the pain of a divorce, or if your marriage is currently in trouble, or even if you have a testimony to God's healing touch in your relationship, we want to hear from you. We don't have all the answers and our resources are limited, as you can imagine, but such as we have, we will share them with you. May the Lord's blessings be upon you and yours in the days ahead. See you next month!

Sincerely,

James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
President

Special thanks to the Institute for American Values for conducting such valuable research on the topic of marriage. For more information on the study "Does Divorce Make People Happy," or other recent studies on family issues, visit www.americanvalues.org.

1. Concerning the letter you have just read [May 2002]:

   • 97.8% I agree emphatically with Dr. Dobson's perspective.
   • 1.1% I disagree with all or most of what Dr. Dobson said. (And wrote.)

   • 1.1% I am ambivalent about Dr. Dobson's viewpoint.

2. Christian involvement in public policy issues:

   • 98.7% Christians have an obligation to defend righteousness and morality within the culture, even when those issues are debated in the political realm.
   • 0.7% I do not believe that Christians should speak out on issues such as abortion and homosexuality, but rather focus solely on spreading the Gospel.

   • 0.6% I don't know what I believe about moral activism.

3. The local church and social activism:

   • 60.1% My pastor is properly informed about the moral issues affecting our culture, and urges his people to use their influence.
   • 39.4% My pastor rarely if ever addresses such issues as abortion, homosexuality or safe-sex ideology.

   • 0.5% My pastor is opposed to anyone in the church being involved in moral issues.

4. Personal involvement:

   • 85.1% I can think of a specific instance/instances in which I have endeavored to make my voice heard on a controversial moral issue.
   • 14.4% I have never spoken out about a specific policy-related issue affecting the family, but I want to become more involved.

   • 0.5% I have avoided all involvement in the controversial issues, and have no desires or plans to change.

5. Historical influence of Christians:

   • 89.9% I believe that people such as Dietrich Bonhoeffer and William Wilberforce are admirable role models because their faith motivated them to practical action that subsequently made a positive impact on society.
   • 0.2% Bonhoeffer and Wilberforce should not, as Christians, have been involved in activities that were critical of the government.

   • 9.9% I do not know who these two men were.

6. Focus on the Family's efforts:

   • 97.8% I think that the ministry is providing an invaluable service by speaking out on controversial social and political issues.
   • 1.7% I appreciate some of the ministry's efforts to address moral public policy issues, but Focus needs to tone things down a bit and invest less time and energy on public policy matters.

   • 0.5% The ministry should terminate this aspect of its outreach altogether.

7. "By engaging the culture on controversial issues the Church risks blurring the line between politics and Christianity."

   • 21.2% I agree with this statement.
   • 72.7% I disagree with this statement.

   • 6.1% I have no opinion about this statement.

[A brief note on Question 7: While we are gratified by the majority of responses (nearly 73 percent) that expressed disagreement with this statement, our staff did receive several letters from readers who felt that the wording of the statement itself was confusing. They are right. Consequently, we believe that the percentage of readers who actually disagreed with the statement is actually much higher than 73 percent.]

*(Note: Referrals to Web sites not produced by Focus on the Family are for informational purposes only and do not necessarily constitute an endorsement of the sites' content.)