The Love of a Lifetime

November 2007

Dear Friends:

Unless you're brand-new to the ministry of Focus on the Family, you probably know that my first cousin, H.B. London Jr., is a member of our staff, overseeing our extensive Ministry Outreach and Pastoral Ministries divisions. And you might even be aware that he is a fourth-generation minister who pastored churches — including the church our family attended when we lived in California — for 31 years before joining the Focus team. You probably also know that despite H.B. and I frequently teasing one another with an intensity and severity that only true family members can muster, I love him like a brother and consider it a privilege to serve the Lord alongside him.

What you may not know about H.B., however, is that he and his lovely bride, Beverley, celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary on August 23 of this year! This is significant for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it demonstrates that H.B. is one very old, old dude. In fact, I'm just a kid by comparison. (Shirley and I celebrated a paltry 47 years on August 27.) It also suggests that Beverley is one of the most patient and longsuffering women on the planet. H.B. and I nearly killed one another when we lived in the same dorm room during our college years; and yet after half a century, H.B. and Beverley still seem deliriously happy.

Without a doubt, 50 years of marriage is an occasion for celebration. Several parties, including one here at Focus headquarters, were given in honor of H.B.'s and Beverley’s golden anniversary. I'm biased, of course, but it was a tremendous blessing to be able to reminisce with them about their journey together thus far — one I have been privileged to witness from its inception. (The Londons were, in fact, married by my own father.) H.B. and Beverley have two married sons and four wonderful grandchildren, of whom they are almost unbearably proud. The Lord has blessed them tremendously. Hearty congratulations to you, H.B. and Beverley!

The Londons are among an increasingly rare breed of couples to reach the 50-year milestone. In fact, a census report indicated that out of all currently married couples in the United States, only 5 percent had reached their golden anniversary.1 There are a number of reasons for this, of course — chief among them the reality that the passage of years and the death of one or both partners will prevent many couples from reaching the half-century marriage landmark.

Nevertheless, there's no denying that the prevalence of divorce in our society, along with other cultural developments designed to undermine the institution of traditional marriage, has resulted in fewer couples sticking it out for the long haul. In our modern and supposedly enlightened society, many couples never make it past ten, five or even two years of marriage (if they even bother to get married at all).

This disturbing trend is outlined in the latest report from David Popenoe and the National Marriage Project called ”The State of our Unions." You've probably heard or read my comments on this important study when it is updated each year; and I'm sorry to report that as in the past, the 2007 edition is ominous in its predictions for the institution of marriage as we know it. This year's essay, titled "The Future of Marriage in America," indicates that:

Long-term trends point to the gradual weakening of marriage as the primary social institution of family life. More Americans today are living together, marrying at older ages or not at all, and rearing children in cohabiting or solo parent households. Overall, the U.S. trends are following the far-advanced trends toward non-marriage in Northwestern European nations . . . 2

Here are a few more of the 2007 report's key findings. For the most part, they are not encouraging:

• Marriage trends in recent decades indicate that Americans have become less likely to marry, and the most recent data show that the marriage rate in the United States continues to decline. Of those who do marry, there has been a moderate drop since the 1970s in the percentage of couples who consider their marriages to be "very happy;" but in the past decade, this trend has swung in a positive direction.
• The American divorce rate today is nearly twice that of 1960, but has declined slightly since hitting the highest point in our history in the early 1980s. For the average couple marrying for the first time in recent years, the lifetime possibility of divorce or separation remains between 40 and 50 percent.
• The number of unmarried couples has increased dramatically over the past four decades, and the increase is continuing. Most younger Americans now spend time living together outside of marriage, and unmarried cohabitation commonly precedes marriage.
• The presence of children in America has declined significantly since 1960, as measured by fertility rates and the percentages of households with children. Other indicators suggest that this decline has reduced the child centeredness of our nation and contributed to the weakening of the institution of marriage.
• The percentage of children who grow up in fragile — typically fatherless — families has grown enormously over the past four decades. This is mainly due to increases in divorce, out-of-wedlock births, and unmarried cohabitation. The trend toward fragile families leveled off in the late 1990s, but the most recent data show a slight increase.
• The desire of teenagers of both sexes for “a good marriage and family life” has increased slightly over the past few decades. Boys are more than 10 percentage points less desirous than girls, however, and they are also a little more pessimistic about the possibility of a long-term marriage. Both boys and girls have become more accepting of lifestyles that are alternatives to marriage, especially unwed childbearing, although the latest data show a surprising drop in acceptance of premarital cohabitation.3

I'm sorry to report that these findings are just the beginning. The general population’s apathy and indifference toward the institution of marriage is distressing enough, but that does not even take into account the all-out war on traditional marriage that is being waged by the courts, certain governmental leaders, and so-called secular "progressives." With the 2008 election a little over a year away, the anti-marriage movement is investing as much time, energy and money as it can in the effort to eliminate marriage as it has been understood for millennia. Meanwhile, those of us who embrace a biblical view of marriage seem to be asleep at the wheel.

If you think I'm being overly dramatic here, perhaps you'd consider a second opinion. I recently hosted a radio discussion with Professor Robbie George of Princeton University and Maggie Gallagher of the National Organization for Marriage. Both are considered experts on the trends and factors contributing to the breakdown of marriage in our society, and both predict dire ramifications for civilization if the Left gets its way and traditional marriage crumbles. In fact, Professor George suggests that unless something can be done to stem the tide, traditional marriage will cease to exist in any meaningful capacity within two to five years' time. Maggie Gallagher believes the end will come within two years.

But what, you may ask, could possibly unravel the time-honored institution of marriage in so short a period? Can we seriously expect that marriage will cease to exist a decade from now? Yes, because the battle is being waged at the governmental level. Quite simply, the threat is coming from state legislatures and courts that are engaged in a campaign to systematically redefine marriage. At the same time, in our post-modern culture, any politician dares to stand up in defense of traditional marriage will quickly be labeled as a pariah, religious zealot, bigot or much worse. Many who feel genuine conviction about defending traditional marriage have been forced into silence for fear of a political backlash. At the same time, several so-called "pro-family" politicians have been exposed in recent months as being involved in various forms of gross sexual immorality.

It is not entirely comforting that a full 66 percent of Americans favor protecting the traditional definition of marriage as the union of one man and one woman. As I write, legislatures in New Jersey, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Maryland, California, Oregon and Washington are considering measures that could either establish same-sex marriage or at least open the door to it. The situation in New Jersey, in particular, could have dire implications for the rest of the nation next November. For more information and updates on this critical situation, please log on to citizenlink.org.

Unfortunately, many evangelicals seem to have grown silent on this issue. Perhaps they believe that the 2008 election is too far away for them to become concerned with such matters at this time. Or maybe they feel that since the tide of public opinion favors traditional marriage, they need not worry about the threat from activist judges and legislatures. Or perhaps, in a day when Congress's approval ratings are even lower than the President’s, they feel that they have been "burned" one too many times by the leaders they have elected to represent them. That is certainly understandable, but it is not an excuse to give up.

On the contrary, we must be as vigilant as ever in standing up for what we believe. I urge you: please don’t give up the fight! The battle over marriage is now being waged in our courts, legislatures and halls of power and we must stay informed and seek to influence the political process whenever and wherever possible. We owe it to our children, and to future generations, and to the God we serve, to make a stand. Please start educating yourself now and doing whatever you can to help preserve the institution of traditional marriage. If Robbie George and Maggie Gallagher are right — and I pray they are not but fear that they are — the Titanic is in danger of hitting the iceberg. Then it will be too late.

Again, Focus on the Family has amassed a wealth of resources to help you take a stand for marriage. Please give us a call at 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) or for more information, log on to citizenlink.org.

Generations from now, will Americans still be celebrating golden wedding anniversaries like the one H.B. and Beverley recently enjoyed? If not, then what hope is there, outside of a major intervention by Almighty God, for the propagation of our most cherished values and beliefs? Scripture clearly teaches that one of the primary reasons for marriage is to pass a heritage of faith from one generation to the next. Malachi 2:15 (NIV) states, "Has not the LORD made them [husbands and wives] one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth."

The Rev. Timothy Keller is the founding pastor of a very effective and growing church in the heart of New York City, Redeemer Presbyterian. Dr. Keller has said that he makes a habit of admonishing every couple he marries to remember that marriage, in many ways, is the "vortex" of life. If your marriage is strong, everything around you can be falling apart, but you'll survive and maybe even thrive because of the love and support of your spouse. However, if your marriage is on the rocks, it doesn't matter how successful you might be at the office or how much money you have in the bank. In the end, your life will be a complete mess because of the pain and trauma brought about by marital strife.

We undermine traditional marriage at our peril. Will we as a society support and uphold those who embrace its joys and challenges and cheer them on as they cross the 50th anniversary mark? Or will we tell people like H.B. and Beverley that their commitment doesn’t really matter and that their five decades (and counting) together are really no more excellent and praiseworthy than gay "marriage" or gay parenthood or intentional childlessness or any number of other "lifestyle choices"? I pray we will not demean them in that way.

I am boldly asking you to join us at Focus on the Family in our crusade to save the institutions of marriage and parenthood. Your assistance is needed — and appreciated.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Sincerely,

James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
Founder and Chairman