Young Families Grab Our Attention!

October 2002

Dear Friends:

Greetings! I trust your October is off to a good start. Unless you've been completely cut off from media access, you probably know that 2002 is an election year, and that Americans will go to the polls on Tuesday, November 5. The entire 435-member House of Representatives, a third of the United States Senate and numerous other state and local offices are up for grabs. As citizens of a democracy, we have the ability to make our voices heard and, as a result, vastly affect the outcome of this election. I urge you to keep informed about the important issues in your part of the country, and then vote your conscience next month! Voter apathy among Christians is alarmingly high. In the 2000 presidential election, more than 2 out of every 5 evangelicals failed to exercise their privilege to cast a ballot.1 Given the fact that it can take as little as 20 minutes to either pull that lever, fill in the bubble or dare I say, punch out the chad, there is no excuse not to vote. Now, more than ever, it is critical that men and women of faith bring their convictions to bear upon the world around them.

There are some exciting things afoot at Focus on the Family this month, as well, and I'd like to take this opportunity to fill you in on the details. First, I'm pleased to announce that my good friends at Multnomah Publishing have just released Night Light for Parents, a new book co-authored by my wife, Shirley, and me. As you may know, this is our second collaboration, following the original Night Light devotional for couples, which continues to be a bestseller. This new book follows the same format as its predecessor, with six months' worth of short devotionals that husbands and wives can read together at bedtime. As the title implies, Night Light for Parents was written specifically for those who are currently engaged in the vital task of raising children.

As a bit of a "teaser," a significant portion of the book's introduction has been reprinted below. I believe that Night Light for Parents contains information that you will find encouraging and helpful. You can obtain a copy from Focus on the Family, and as always, we have waived all royalty when you do.

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Many years have come and gone since our first child was born. An instant and irrational love affair blossomed that day between this new father and his baby daughter, Danae Ann, who took center stage in the Dobson household. How deeply I loved that little girl! She would stand in the doorway each morning and cry as I left for work, and then run giggling toward me with her arms stretched upward when I arrived at home each evening. You would have thought we had been separated for months. I wondered: Would I ever love another child as much as this one?

My question was answered five years later when a little lad named James Ryan made his grand entrance into the world. I fell in love all over again. He was my boy — the only son I would ever be privileged to raise. What a joy it was to watch him grow and develop and learn. How proud I was to be his dad — to be trusted with the well-being of his soul. I put Ryan to bed every night when he was small, and we laughed and we played and we talked about Jesus. I would hide his sister's stuffed animals around the house, and then we would turn out the lights and go "big game hunting" with flashlights and a toy rifle. Ryan never tired of that simple game.

But those early developmental years came and went so quickly, and right before our eyes, the kids suddenly grew up. Danae finished high school and went away to college. After graduating, she set about making an exciting life of her own as a writer of children's literature, and she has now completed her 20^th book. It was very difficult for Shirley and me to let her go, but we took comfort in the fact that Ryan had five more years at home. But again, the years passed in a blur of activity, and Ryan began thinking about going off to college some two thousand miles away. This time, however, there was no one at home to fill the void he would leave. The empty nest had arrived in a single day, leaving Shirley and me unprepared for what that cataclysmic change would mean in our lives.

We had known for years, of course, that the moment of release was coming. I had written, spoken and counseled others about the experience of "turning loose," but it is a different matter when it happens to you. I admit without embarrassment that Ryan's departure hit me like the blow from a hammer. Packing and storing his stuff was an especially nostalgic process, as we worked our way through a massive accumulation of junk in his room. Ryan had been a collector of things no one else would want — old street signs, broken models and favorite fishing rods. The entire family got tetanus shots before we plunged into the debris. Finally, on our last evening together, Shirley and Ryan loaded the remaining boxes and emptied the last drawer. The job was finished. His suitcases were packed. Our son was ready to go.

Ryan came into my study about midnight, and we sat down for another of the late-night chats that I had cherished over the years. He has always liked to talk at the end of the day. I won't tell you what we said in that final conversation because it is too personal to share.

The next morning we drove as a family to the airport. There I was, driving down the freeway, when an unexpected wave of grief swept over me. I thought I couldn't stand to see him go. It wasn't that I didn't look forward to what the future held. No, I mourned the end of an era — the culmination of a precious time of my life when our children were young and their voices rang in the halls of our house. I couldn't hide the tears as I parked the car and entered Burbank International Airport. Ryan was to depart from Gate 18, but I couldn't sit and cry in the waiting area. So I took a long walk through the concourse and returned as the passengers were boarding. Then we hugged good-bye and sent our youngest off to Chicago. I knew that Ryan would be home many times after that, but being on his own would change both of us forever. The parent-child relationship would take on an entirely different character. That is the way it should be, but I've never liked irreversible change, especially when it involves people I love.

I meandered into Ryan's room and sat on the floor by his bed, where his crib had once stood. I could almost see him as a toddler — running and jumping into my open arms. What a happy time that was in my life. The ghost of a kindergartner was there, too, with his brand-new cowboy clothes and his Snoopy lunch pail. Those images remained vivid for only a moment, and then a seven-year-old boy appeared before me. He was smiling, and I noticed that his front teeth were missing. His room was filled with bugs and toads and a tarantula named Pebber. As I reached out to hug the boy, he slowly disappeared. Then a gangly teenager strolled through the door and threw his books on the desk. He looked at me as if to say, "Come on, Dad. Pull yourself together!"

Shirley and I drove in silence to the home where our beloved son and daughter had grown from babies to young adults. There I lost it again! The house we left three hours earlier in a whirlwind of activity and ringing phones had been transformed in our absence. It had become a monastery — a morgue — a museum. The quiet was deafening to us both. Every corner held a memory that wafted through the air...

My own words from years earlier then echoed in my ears. I remember saying in a speech to parents that I was already thinking about what would happen soon in our home. The day was coming, I said, when "the bicycle tires would be flat, the skateboard would be warped and standing in the garage, the swing set would be still and the beds would not be slept in. We will go through Christmas with no stockings hanging by the fireplace, and the halls will be very quiet. I know these times will soon be here, and I realize it has to be so. I accept it. I wouldn't for anything try to hold back our son or daughter when it comes time to let them go. But that will also be a very sad day because the precious experience of parenting will have ended for me." Alas, the day I had anticipated for so many years arrived in a single morning...

If you're thinking that I am hopelessly sentimental about my kids, you're right. The greatest thrill of my life has been the privilege of raising them day by day. Still, I did not expect such intense pain at the time of Ryan's departure. I thought I was prepared to handle the moment, but I realized just how vulnerable I was — and still am — to the people I love.

In the larger sense, however, it is not merely the end of formal parenting that shook my world when Ryan left. I grieved for the human condition itself. When he boarded that plane in Los Angeles, I comprehended anew the brevity of life and the temporary nature of all things. Later, as I sat on the floor in his room, I heard not only Ryan's voice, but also the voices of my mother and father, who laughed and loved in that place. Now they were gone too. One day, Shirley and I will join them — first one, and then the other.

We are just "passing through," as the gospel songwriters used to say. All of life boils down to a series of happy hellos and sad good-byes. Nothing is really permanent, not even the relationships that take root in a healthy home. King David said it best: "As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth. For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more" (Psalm 103:15-16, KJV). Yes. I felt the chilly breeze of change blowing through my heart in the early days of the empty nest, and I understood its meaning.

What an incredibly important scriptural concept David gave us. If we really grasped the numbering of our days as Moses wrote in the 90^th Psalm, we would surely be motivated to invest ourselves primarily in eternal values. Would a fifty-year-old man pursue an adulterous affair if he knew how quickly he would have to explain his dalliance before his God? Would a woman make herself sick over petty in-law conflict or other silly frustrations if she knew how little time was left to her? Would men and women devote their lives to the pursuit of wealth and status symbols if they realized how soon their possessions would be torn from their trembling hands? It is the illusion of permanence, you see, that distorts our perception and shapes our selfish behavior. When eternal values come in view, it becomes our greatest desire to please our Lord and influence as many others for Him as possible, beginning with our own sons, daughters and loved ones.

I ask each of my readers this important question today: If we truly believe that the eternal souls of our children hang in the balance — that only by winning them for Christ can we spend eternity together with them in heaven — will we change the way each day is lived? Will we ignore and neglect so great an opportunity if our eyes are fully opened to this awesome responsibility? I think not. I pray not.

As for you mothers and fathers who still have kids at home, may I urge you to keep this biblical truth in view as you race through the days of your lives? Don't permit ourselves to become discouraged with the responsibilities of parenting. Yes, it is an exhausting and difficult assignment, and there are times when you will feel like throwing in the towel. But I beg you to stay the course! Get on your knees before the Lord and ask daily for His strength and wisdom. Finish the job to which He has called you! There is no more important task in living, and you will understand that assignment more clearly when you stand where Shirley and I are today. In the blink of an eye, you will be hugging your children good-bye and returning to an empty house. You will pause for a moment to utter a prayer that the values and lessons you've imparted over the years have taken root in your sons and daughters and that they will bear fruit for the kingdom for the rest of their lives.

That is why we are bringing you this devotional book — to help with what we might call "first priorities." We want to encourage you as a mother or father to give yourselves enthusiastically to the spiritual welfare of your kids. Everything we have experienced in our work on behalf of families supports this profound understanding — that the greatest chance for successful parenting lies in dependence on the everlasting precepts of the Christian faith. Teach your kids about Jesus Christ, about heaven and hell, and about the foundational truths of the Word of God. Pray daily for them, and help them grow in faith. If your children enter adulthood with a clear concept of who God is and what He wants them to do, you will have achieved the greatest accomplishment in life.

By the way, I should end this introduction with a brief update about our empty nest. My period of "mourning" lasted about thirty days, during which I didn't think I could take it. But guess what? Something interesting happened about that time: The new family constellation began to sound like a pretty good idea. The house stayed cleaner, adolescent noise and chaos gave way to serenity, and Shirley and I had much more time for each other. It turns out that God's plan is best after all. Now we enjoy a wonderful relationship with our grown children, not as parents who bear the responsibility for our kids' behavior, education and training, but as friends who share an entirely new kind of bond that is just as rewarding as were the first eighteen years. Shirley and I talk with or hear from Danae and Ryan nearly every day, and we are so proud of them both. Most importantly, they are serving the Lord and carrying on the values and principles taught during their impressionable years. That is the most gratifying experience of all.

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Those words, along with portions that I was not able to include here because of space limitations, were included in Night Light for Parents. Its release coincides with another significant development here at Focus on the Family. ctober marks the debut of an innovative new program we have created for the purpose of encouraging and equipping families with young children. For the past twenty-five years, we have been gratified by the way the Lord has used our meager efforts to help strengthen the traditional family. However, we're also aware that many of the parents who benefited from the ministry's resources over the past two-and-a-half decades have since seen their kids grow up and strike out on their own. Many of you, like Shirley and me, are now "empty nesters" with adult children.

Nevertheless, there is a new generation of young families out there who are just getting started. Indeed, many of you reading this letter may have children who are married themselves and who may be having kids of their own. Our earnest desire is to make a strong connection with these young families, each of which will face a number of daunting challenges in the years to come. Our increasingly immoral and relativistic culture is becoming hostile to the traditional family, and young parents who desire to instill biblical values in their kids will definitely have their work cut out for them.

Our new Focus on Your Child outreach is designed to help young families as they navigate these rough waters. This extensive new program features a wealth of solid resources that will empower moms and dads as they embark on the adventure of parenthood and endeavor to raise their children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. The membership-based initiative includes unique newsletters and other resources with age-specific advice (divided into "The Early Years" for ages 0 to 3; "The Elementary Years" for ages 4 to 7; and "The Tween Years" for ages 8 to 12) on every aspect of parenting from changing diapers to helping pre-teens make healthy entertainment choices. Other benefits of the program include Focus on Your Child Audio Journal (on CD or cassette) that feature insightful commentary and advice from a number of different parenting experts (including yours truly!), and an in-depth Web site featuring exclusive content for subscribers.

Even if you don't currently have young children at home, you can make a direct impact on the life of someone who is handling that responsibility by sponsoring a family through the Focus on Your Child outreach. If you don't have someone specific in mind, you can simply sign up for a general sponsorship, and we will make sure that a young family benefits as a result of your gift. Those of you with adult children who are now raising kids of their own might be interested to know that you can also sponsor a specific family or families through the program. By enrolling your loved ones in Focus on Your Child, you will be making an investment of eternal significance in the lives of your offspring.

If you're just starting out as a family, or if you know of someone who might benefit as a result of this program, please take a moment to review the enclosed information. You can also find additional details about the initiative and how it works on our Web site. Just direct your browser to www.focusonyourchild.com.

Having shared a few details about this new outreach, I'd like to explain briefly our rationale for starting it. In essence, we want today's young parents to be equipped not only with practical knowledge about the basics of raising children, but also with the spiritual insights that will enable them to pass along a legacy of faith to the little ones God has entrusted to them. As Shirley and I have learned, our kids are with us for such a short time. One minute we are changing their diapers or preparing them for their first day of school, and then, before we know it, they are walking out the door and into the "real world" of college, career, and perhaps their own marriage and parenting experiences.

Both this young family invitation and our new book Night Light for Parents, are an expression of our deepest love for the generation now working its way through childhood. If we fail them spiritually, there will be very few parents in 15 or 20 years to pass on our Christian heritage. If you agree that this is a matter of urgency, I hope you will help to support this ministry and its effort to preserve the family. It's always a struggle for us to make ends meet.

I'll close this letter with an example of one of the daily devotionals from our book. Not only will this excerpt give you a better understanding of its tone and format, but it also addresses the importance of instilling spiritual values in our children and articulates the essence of our Focus on Your Child initiative:

EARLY TRAINING

Train a child in the way he should
go, and when he is old he will
not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)

When you construct a plan for introducing your children to Jesus, you may want to make your motto "the earlier the better." In a recent nationwide poll, researcher George Barna learned that children ages five through thirteen have a 32 percent probability of accepting Christ as their Savior. That rate drops dramatically, to just 4 percent, for kids ages fourteen through eighteen. And those who have not become Christians before age nineteen have only a 6 percent probability of doing so during the rest of their lives!

Spiritual training of children should begin at their earliest moments of awareness and continue through the teen years. The most important year, however, may be age five. That is when they are open and tender to the call of Christ. Some kids come to a fork in the road at this point. Either they begin to internalize what they are taught and make it their own, or Bible stories and lessons become like fables that don't apply to the real world. Your careful instruction during this period can lay the faith foundation that will guide your children throughout their earthly lives — and lead them into a joyous eternity.

Before you say good night...

• Where do your kids stand right now regarding faith in Jesus Christ?
• Does the level of spiritual training you're providing match the ages of your kids?
• How does the spiritual training you received as a child influence your faith today?

Dear Jesus, You are the master teacher. Help us to follow Your example as we train our children — to say the right words at a time when their ears will hear so that they will become devoted followers of You. Amen.

God's richest blessings to you this month. I urge you to investigate the Focus on Your Child program, whether your own children are grown, or you're among the new generation of young families who are diligently striving to complete the wonderful and challenging parenting assignment God has given you. See you next month!

Sincerely,

James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
President

P.S. I've said several times on the air that the Judeo-Christian value system in Canada, our neighbor to the north, is on the ropes, literally. As a case in point, on September 6, a court actually declared any law defining marriage as an exclusive union between one man and one woman as unconstitutional and discriminatory.2 Is this where we are headed in the United States? Yes, unless we awaken to our peril. I hope Christians will be in prayer for our leaders! This is why the next general election is so critical. Please get out and vote! It is your duty and your right!