Self-Confidence and Kids

March 1999

Dear Friends,

Almost exactly 25 years ago, I began writing the pages of a new book intended to help mothers, fathers and teachers instill and preserve a sense of self-worth and confidence in children. The first chapter began with the following description of a little boy whose name would someday become familiar to us all:

He began his life with all the classic handicaps and disadvantages. His mother was a powerfully built, dominating woman who found it difficult to love anyone. She had been married three times, and her second husband divorced her because she beat him up regularly. The father of the child I’m describing was her third husband; he died of a heart attack a few months before the child’s birth. As a consequence, the mother had to work long hours from his earliest childhood.

She gave him no affection, no love, no discipline, and no training during those early years. She even forbade him to call her at work. Other children had little to do with him, so he was alone most of the time. He was absolutely rejected from his earliest childhood. He was ugly and poor and untrained and unlovable. When he was thirteen years old, a school psychologist commented that he probably didn’t even know the meaning of the word love. During adolescence, the girls would have nothing to do with him, and he fought with the boys.

Despite a high IQ, he failed academically and finally dropped out during his third year of high school. He thought he might find acceptance in the Marine Corps; they reportedly built men, and he wanted to be one. But his problems went with him. The other marines laughed at him and ridiculed him. He fought back, resisted authority, and was court-martialed and thrown out of the Corps with a dishonorable discharge. So there he was -- a young man in his early twenties -- absolutely friendless and shipwrecked. He was scrawny and small in stature. He had an adolescent squeak in his voice. He was balding. He had no talent, no skill, no sense of worthiness. He didn’t even have a driver’s license.

Once again he thought he could run from his problems, so he went to live in a foreign country. But he was rejected there too. Nothing had changed. While there, he married a girl who herself had been an illegitimate child and brought her back to America with him. Soon, she began to develop the same contempt for him that everyone else displayed. She bore him two children, but he never enjoyed the status and respect that a father should have. His marriage continued to crumble. His wife demanded more and more things that he could not provide. Instead of being his ally against the bitter world, as he had hoped, she became his most vicious opponent. She could outfight him, and she learned to bully him. On one occasion, she locked him in the bathroom as punishment. Finally, she forced him to leave.

He tried to make it on his own, but he was terribly lonely. After days of solitude, he went home and literally begged her to take him back. He surrendered all pride. He crawled. He accepted humiliation. He came on her terms. Despite his meager salary, he brought her seventy-eight dollars as a gift, asking her to take it and spend it any way she wished. But she laughed at him. She belittled his feeble attempts to supply the family’s needs. She ridiculed his failure. She made fun of his sexual impotence in front of a friend. At one point, he fell on his knees and wept bitterly, as the greater darkness of his private nightmare enveloped him.

Finally, in silence, he pleaded no more. No one wanted him. No one had ever wanted him. He was a most rejected man. His ego lay shattered in dust!

The next day he was a strangely different man. He arose, went to the garage, and took down a rifle he had hidden there. He carried it with him to his newly acquired job at a book-storage building. And from a window on the sixth floor of that building, shortly after noon, November 22, 1963, he sent two shells crashing into the head of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

Lee Harvey Oswald, the rejected, unlovable failure, killed the man who, more than any other, embodied all the success, beauty, wealth, and family affection he himself lacked. In firing that rifle, he utilized the one skill he had learned in his entire, miserable lifetime.1

Oswald’s personal problems do not excuse his violent behavior, and certainly, I would not seek to absolve him for his murderous act. Yet an understanding of his inner torment and confusion helps us see him, not only as a vicious assassin, but also as the pitiful, broken man he became. Every day of his life, from the lonely days of childhood to the televised moment of his spectacular death, Oswald experienced the crushing awareness of his own inferiority. Finally, as it often does, his agitation and frustration turned to anger.

The greater tragedy is that Lee Harvey Oswald’s plight is not unusual today. While others may respond less aggressively, this same consuming awareness of inadequacy can be seen in every avenue of life -- in every neighborhood, in every church, and on the campuses of our schools. It is particularly relevant to adolescents. I have observed that the vast majority of those between twelve and twenty years of age are disappointed with who they are and how they look. In a world that worships superstars, they consult the mirror for signs of greatness and see only acne and misaligned teeth. Most of them will not admit how they feel because of embarrassment and disgust.

Likewise, Oswald never published his early self-doubt--nor would we have paid much attention if he had. But in retrospect, there is little doubt that the rejection of his early childhood led to deep discontent as a teenager, to his twisted adult life, and to his dark destiny. Not everyone who suffers through a bad childhood becomes an assassin, of course, but it is sobering to consider those who do. Gary Gilmore,2 Charles Manson,3 Richard Speck,4 James Earl Ray, 5 Wayne Williams, 6 and David Berkowitz ("Son of Sam")7 and other notorious killers had troubled youths. Yet the consequences of low self-esteem can be painful even for the less violent. That is why we need to start early to prepare our children for the pressures and insults they will face.

From a broader perspective, every stage of life poses its own unique threats to self-worth. Many adults continue to deal with memories of painful childhood and adolescent experiences. Women are especially susceptible to them. I am also convinced that the symptoms of senility among the elderly are exacerbated by a growing awareness that they live in the exclusive world of the young--where wrinkles, backaches, and dentures are scorned and their ideas are out-of-date. Many of them know they are a burden to their families. This feeling of uselessness is the special reward reserved for life’s survivors, and it should not be surprising that our older citizens often "disconnect" from the world, emotionally and intellectually.

Thus, if inadequacy and inferiority are so prevalent at all ages of life, we must ask ourselves "Why?" Why can’t our children grow up accepting themselves as they are? Why do many kids feel like fools and clowns? Why are our homes and schools more likely to produce self-doubt than quiet confidence and respect? Why should each child have to bump his or her head on the same old rock? These questions are of major significance to every parent who would shield their children, especially those who are vulnerable for one reason or another, from the pain of inferiority.

Those words, penned so long ago, are even more relevant in 1999 than they were in the mid-1970s. The beauty cult and the highly eroticized environment depicted in movies, television programming, music videos and the fashion industry, have sensitized very young children to their own physical flaws and shortcomings. It is evident in their values and behavior. For example, studies verify that 50 percent of 9-year-old girls and 80 percent of girls ages 10-11 have tried to diet because they perceive themselves to be fat.8 How sad that vulnerable kids feel compelled to be something they are not in order to avoid ridicule and rejection by their peers. Clearly, parents need help in attempting to build self-confidence in their children. It can be a daunting task.

This is why I have prepared an updated edition of the book, quoted above, and now titled The New Hide or Seek. It offers twelve "strategies" to help shield boys and girls from the emotional dangers they are likely to face. Time and space limitations will not permit me to outline those practical suggestions in this letter, but let me fast-forward to the final chapter which focuses on the most important aspect of this parental responsibility. I called it, "The Only True Values." Again, I quote:

Let me emphasize that the goal in parenting is not to produce haughtiness and arrogance in our children. These attitudes are often taught in the popular culture under the guise of "self-esteem," and they have a certain unpleasant odor to them. We’ve seen selfishness run amok in this society. Cultural analysts called the 1970s the "me" generation, and then recognized something similar in the 1980s that has been called the "we" generation. People in the 1990s have been no less self-absorbed. We are still "doing our own thing," "looking out for number one," "maximizing our potential," and "searching for self-fulfillment." Me-ism took a religious turn with the New Age philosophies, which elevated mankind to divine status. How better to vaunt your self-esteem than to assert that you yourself are God or claim to know how to manipulate Him. The passage of time has confirmed that none of these self-serving slogans or teachings is healthy. Unchecked, the "me-first" attitude has the power to blow marriages apart, destroy businesses, and even subvert governments.

I used to live in the State of California, where some sociologists believe "me-ism" has its unofficial headquarters. The old quip asked: "How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" The answer: "Five; one to do the work and four to share the experience." But the fallout from the self-seeking philosophy is no laughing matter. Indeed, the Scriptures make it clear that God hates selfishness, or what it calls "pride." I counted 112 biblical references which warn of unbridled arrogance. Proverbs 6:16-19 (KJV) summarizes them with these words:

"These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren."

Isn’t it interesting that "a proud look" is listed first among God’s seven most despised sins, apparently outranking adultery, profanity, and other acts of disobedience? Anything given that prominence in the Word must be considered carefully by those wishing to please the Lord. Before we can comply, however, we must interpret the meaning of the word "pride". Language is dynamic, and the meaning of words change with time. "Pride" has many connotations today that are different from the way that word was translated in the 17th century.

Today, a parent feels pride when a son or daughter succeeds in school or wins a race. I doubt that the Lord would be displeased by a father glowing with affection when he thinks of the boy or girl entrusted to his care. We speak, also, of the "Pride of the Yankees," or of a person who takes pride in his work, or of the pride of a Southern cook. These are positive attitudes that mean the individual is dedicated to his or her craft, or that he or she has self-confidence, or that the person will deliver what is promised. Fortunately, most modern translations have updated the language to more faithfully link modern English to the ancient Hebrew text. The word commonly used in its place today is "haughtiness". This casts an entirely different meaning on the warning.

What, then, is the biblical meaning of haughtiness? I believe it connotes arrogance and sufficiency that leads us to violate the two most basic commandments of Jesus: to love God with all our heart, mind, and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves. A haughty person is too pompous to bow humbly before the Creator, confessing sins and submitting to a life of service to Him. Such arrogance produces hatefulness toward others, disregarding their feelings and needs. Most of the ills of the world, including war and crime, can be laid at the door of this sin. Perhaps this is why the writer of the proverb puts "a proud look" above all other evils. That is where it belongs.

I do not believe, by contrast, that the Bible condemns an attitude of quiet self-respect and dignity. Certainly those responses could not represent the pinnacle of the seven deadliest sins. Jesus commanded us to love our neighbors as ourselves, implying that we are permitted a reasonable expression of self-love. In fact, true love for others is impossible until we experience a measure of self-respect.

Some people actually believe that Christians should maintain an attitude of self-hatred in order to avoid the pitfall of haughtiness. After speaking to an audience in Boston, I was approached by an elderly woman who questioned my views. I had discussed the importance of self-confidence in children, and my comments contradicted her theology. She said, "God wants me to think of myself as being no better than a worm." She was referring, I suppose, to David’s analogy in Psalm 22:6. "I would like to respect myself," she continued, "but God could not approve of that kind of pride, could He?"

I was touched by this sincere woman. She told me she had been a missionary for forty years and had refused to marry in order to serve God more completely. While on a foreign field, she had become ill with an exotic disease that now reduced her frail body to ninety-five pounds. As she spoke, I could sense the great love of the heavenly Father for this faithful servant. She had literally given her life in His work, yet she did not even feel entitled to reflect on a job well done during her closing years on earth.

Unfortunately, this fragile missionary and thousands of other Christians were taught of their worthlessness. That teaching did not come from the Scriptures. Jesus did not leave His throne in heaven to die for the "worms" of the world. His sacrifice was intended as the ultimate expression of love for that little woman and for all of His followers. He is not embarrassed to call us brothers and sisters. What a concept! If Jesus is now my brother, then that puts me in the family of God and guarantees that I will outlive the universe itself.

In summary, I hope it is understood that my book does not promote me-ism in any form. I am not suggesting that the natural selfishness of children should be encouraged. That will occur easily enough without any help from parents. My purpose is to help mothers and fathers preserve an inner physical, mental and spiritual health. That goal is consistent with biblical principles which offer a balanced, healthy perspective to pass on to our children.

But how about the practical side of parenting? How do you help a youngster who has trouble learning in school and thinks he is the dumbest member of the fourth grade? How do you comfort a 18 year old who is the only one of her friends who has never had a boyfriend and sits at home alone during school functions? How do you help a child whose teeth protrude above his lower lip, or one who is blind, or deaf, or sick, or tiny, or too tall, or (fill in the blank.) Don’t tell me that parents of such children should ignore their pain, or that it is somehow unbiblical to even consider such things. Unfortunately, the popular obsession with self-esteem today has led some spiritual advisors to condemn those who have addressed these very real problems of childhood. I will never believe it. It is never unscriptural to care for those who are hurting, regardless of the age or the particular need. It is that obligation that led to the writing of Hide or Seek.

Finally we return to the point at which we began--with the question of social values. Having rejected physical attractiveness, intelligence, and materialism as determiners of human worth, we must now decide what will take their places. Have you consciously examined the values you are teaching to your children? Are you following a well-conceived game plan on their behalf, instilling worthy attitudes and concepts? The human spirit must have something meaningful in which to believe, and that instructional responsibility is much too important to handle in a haphazard manner.

Without question, the most valuable contribution a parent can make to a child is to instill in him or her a genuine faith in Jesus Christ. What greater source of confidence can there be than knowing that the Creator of the universe is acquainted with us personally?-- that He values us more than the possessions of the entire world; --that He understands our fears and anxieties and reaches out to us in immeasurable love when no one else cares; that He turns our liabilities into assets and our emptiness into fullness;--that He sent His only son to die for us and has promised us life eternal, where handicaps and inadequacies will be eliminated and pain, suffering and tears will be no more than dim memories.

What a beautiful philosophy with which to "clothe" a child. What a fantastic message of hope and encouragement for the discouraged teenager who feels crushed by life’s circumstances. This is self-worth at its richest, not dependent on the whims of birth or social judgment or the cult of the superchild, but on divine decree. If this be "the opiate of the people," as Karl Marx sneered, then I have staked my entire life on the validity of its promise.

Not only is Jesus Christ the source of all meaning in life, but He is the only One who can free us from the tyranny of the self. Christian principles place the spotlight on others rather than on ourselves, while granting human worth on a completely different scale of values than does society. The Master never told us that the beautiful people have an inside track. He never granted special favors to intellectuals. He is not partial to the wealthy. He is unimpressed by blue-blood family heritage. In fact, He expressed disdain for such values in Luke 16-15: "For that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God" (Luke 16:15 KJV). In other words, God actually hates the things that we value most highly, because He sees the folly of our worshipping that which we can keep for such a brief time.

But what does God value? We cannot substitute His system for ours unless we know what He has personally ordained. Fortunately, the Bible provides the key to His value system for humankind. It seems to be composed of six all-important principles:

1. devotion to God;
2. love for others;
3. respect for authority;
4. obedience to divine commandments;
5. self-discipline and self-control; and
6. humbleness of spirit.

These six concepts are from the hand of the Creator, and they are absolutely valid and relevant for today. When applied to life, they encourage a child to SEEK out opportunities, rather than HIDE in lonely isolation. They lead not to despair, as do human values, but to emotional and physical health. Isn’t this what Isaiah meant when he wrote, "All thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children" (Isaiah 54:13 KJV)?

The healthy self-concept Christ taught, then, involves neither haughtiness nor self-loathing. It is one of humble reverence for God and every member of the human family. We are to see our fellow human beings as neither better nor worse than ourselves. Rather, we are to love them as ourselves, and that prescription puts the entire matter of self-worth into its proper perspective.

That is my message for the month of March. I hope it will be helpful to those of you who are seeking to build confidence in your children. You might even find something of relevance to your own lives, since each of us was a kid once upon a time. Maybe you can cast off those chains of doubt resulting from early abuse, rejection, abandonment or ridicule. The Lord will help you do it if you ask Him!

Thank you for your continued support and participation in the ministry of Focus on the Family. We couldn’t make it without you.

Sincerely in Christ,

James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
President