Closing Conversations

"Here is a list of songs I like," my 82-year-old mom said as she passed me a folded piece of paper. Instead of planning a party, we were actually discussing ideas for her last celebration — the funeral we both hope is a long time away.

Of course, it is easier to keep the conversations between adult children and aging parents focused on topics like grandchildren's soccer games, the recent rain or hometown happenings — but end-of-life planning conversations are an essential part of honoring our parents.

Each family will have its own set of issues, but make sure you cover the following topics:

Team responsibilities: Early on, initiate conversations about caregiving tasks with adult siblings or other relatives. Sort out who will drive your parent to appointments, who will check in at home regularly and who will help financially. For some families, location and differing resources will play a role in dividing responsibilities. Make logical choices, but suggest trade-offs: "I'll do the driving if you pitch in for gas." Schedule a regular update or phone call to keep duties from piling up.

Location preferences: Your parents should make choices regarding living arrangements long before the need arises, whether staying home with outside help, relocating to an assisted-living facility or moving in with a relative. Come up with clear options before circumstances require an immediate decision.

Tour some local care facilities and inquire about what insurance or Medicare will cover. If you consider bringing your parents to live in your home, examine what that will mean financially and relationally. Look at all the pros and cons before the boxes start arriving.

Medical decisions: Prepare an advance medical directive called a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care (DPAHC). This document identifies whom your parent wants to make medical decisions if he or she is unable to do so (also known as a health-care surrogate). Discuss in advance your loved one's preferences and view of medical interventions. (Focus on the Family does not recommend a "living will" but rather a DPAHC offered by the International Task Force at internationaltaskforce.org.) Your parent can also write his own document, notarize it and give copies to his health-care provider and family members.

The will: Preparing a will is more than deciding who gets what. Financial planners or estate attorneys know how to handle every aspect of dividing an inheritance — including the taxes and various legal issues that can sometimes blindside a grieving family. The cost of such a professional consultation usually pays off in money saved when the estate is settled.

Inheritance issues can tear families apart. Careful decision making before a death will simplify the division of material items. Some families assign pieces or take turns, choosing items at the time the will is created.

My friend Marge said of her 100-year-old mother, "When Mom was reliable, she initiated drawing up a will with a lawyer. Our entire family met with him. Along with the will, he also prepared the advance directives, power of attorney, etc. Mom signed it so it would take effect when needed."

Funeral plans: Don't be afraid to talk about what service elements would be most meaningful to your parent. Having the conversation now offsets the stress that will come in those final days. Talk about favorite songs and Scriptures, then ask if there is anything in particular that your parent would prefer to include. Choose readers, musicians, speakers or pallbearers (usually six to eight) to participate in the service. Write these plans down, and file them in a safe place.

After going through all these decisions with my parents, it got me thinking. I have started my own list now, too, because preparing to die is part of living well.