Life in the Middle

More than anything, I feel needed. Not kneaded (although that sometimes feels like an appropriate term), but needed — by my husband, my three kids and my grandmother who lives with us. On any given day, I fill out Medicare paperwork and permission slips for field trips. I purchase denture cream and acne medication. I counsel my daughter concerning teen-girl drama and break news to my grandmother that her dear friend has cancer. It's multiple layers of roles and responsibilities I never expected to face.

Joining families

Grandma moved in with us five years ago, not long after my grandfather's passing. Growing up, I was the oldest grandchild — spoiled and adored. I imagined having Grandma in my house would mean the attention, the joy and the yummy meals I remembered. Instead, Grandma struggled with loneliness and loss of independence. She missed my grandfather, had physical limitations and was often overwhelmed by my busy household.

My challenge became keeping Grandma happy, healthy and safe, while doing the same for my kids. The conflict came when Grandma wasn't happy — with the clutter in the house, the style of my kids' clothing or the noise they made. As someone who grew up obeying Grandma, teaching my children to respect my grandmother was important. But I also had to talk to Grandma when she overstepped her bounds. I was the mother, after all, and if I allowed a pair of jeans with holes in the knees, then my children weren't to be reprimanded for them.

Figuring everyone out

Our first need was to understand the variety of emotions and opinions, seeing things through another's eyes. I encouraged all members of our household to respect each other and work through conflicts.

I also realized each person in the family needed a time when he or she received my complete attention. For Grandma, this included a Wednesday shopping trip and lunch. When we go, we have fun together and laugh. Over lunch I listen, even if it means hearing a rundown of all her aches and pains.

I also set monthly lunch dates with each of my kids. They choose the place, and I offer them my undivided attention. It's amazing how much we can talk through in an hour's time. I also keep my eyes open for spontaneous moments when we can play a board game, watch a movie or work on a project together. Even if my to-do list is a mile long (which it is), small moments of connection go a long way.

Juggling more

Other huge needs include financial and legal obligations. For example, the first time I looked at my grandmother's medical paperwork, I was overwhelmed. I didn't know what prescriptions she took, when she had her last X-ray or what her Social Security number was. That's when I developed an information sheet and put copies of it into a locked box. Anytime I needed to take Grandma to the doctor, the information was easy to retrieve. It worked so well, I did the same for the kids.

When it comes to meeting the needs of two different generations, I realized I should put first things first. Psalm 46:10 tells me, "Be still, and know that I am God." Every day, I take personal time with my Bible, journal and prayer. God is with me through this journey. He knows the needs of those in our household better than I do, and He strengthens me.

Finally, I encourage my family members to help each other. Yes, I'm needed, but some of my kids' needs (like mending a button or making cookies) Grandma can handle. And Grandma has discovered that the kids are great at running to the mailbox for her, opening a jar or even listening to one of her memories.

Nothing warms my heart more than when I hear my grandma say, "When I was your age . . ." and I see one of my kids listening with interest. It's then I remember that although our multigenerational family has many needs, there are many joys, too. And someday, when my kids are older, they can tell their future families how having Grandma with us helped us all learn what it meant to be a family.