Flower Girls and Ring Bearers

My wife and I recently enjoyed a wedding celebration. The ceremony was perfect — an inspiring sanctuary, joyful music, gorgeous floral creations, a beautiful bride and groom, lovely bridesmaids, handsome groomsmen and, of course, a fidgety flower girl and ring bearer.

When the newlyweds sped away in their limousine, they didn’t invite the flower girl or ring boy to accompany them, of course. But they did take the little girl and little boy living inside their heads and hearts. Those “inner children” represent the immature attitudes and negative experiences that accompany us into marriage.

If you’ve been married awhile, you’ve probably discovered those children stowed away. The child inside sneaks into our adult life, and he or she affects us in many ways and at the most unexpected moments.

Unfortunately, one of the first inner-child appearances is often on the honeymoon. The newlyweds, eagerly awaiting their romantic escape into sexual ecstasy, are ambushed by a frightened, anxious inner child or one with unrealistic expectations.

Sometimes that child was sexually abused, leaving subconscious fear and pain. Or that child may have heard well-intentioned admonitions against sex that didn’t make an exception for the bliss of marital intimacy. There are times when premarital sexual experiences or pornography have created fantasies that predispose our inner child for disappointment. Those surprises can leave the bride and groom frustrated and disappointed. Not a good beginning.

Conflict and comfort

Another appearance of those inner children is often when disagreements arise. We learn how to deal with conflict throughout our childhood. Our families modeled conflict resolution, but for many of us they only showed us unhealthy ways to resolve conflict.

Some family members rant and rave in explosive verbal attacks on one another, and that rage may sometimes escalate into physical violence and abuse. Others may withdraw emotionally or even physically from one another into stony silence; anger and disagreements are left unresolved.

You may recognize your own inner child reliving some of those family fights, hurts and fears. You may also realize that your mate’s family had a very different style of resolution. Yet when conflicts arise, each of us tends to re-enact the coping methods we learned as children. But that’s just the beginning.

How does your inner child want to be comforted? Your first impulse may be to run and hide. If in childhood you heard, “Big boys don’t cry” or “Go to your room until you can come out with a smile,” you probably have difficulty acknowledging your own feelings or seeking comfort or understanding from others. Expressing any emotion (other than anger) may be perceived as weak. This may be especially true in men. Yet life often reminds us of our vulnerability and dependence, and we need to learn to deal with both appropriately.

Fear’s fury

Fear may also awaken the inner child. Admitting fear does seem childish, doesn’t it? Yet we live in a threatening and unpredictable world, and fear is a normal response to instability. We like to feel secure and in control, and our Christian faith teaches us to be anxious for nothing.

As adults, we take precautions and make preparations to keep life as safe as possible, and we trust God to give us courage. Our inner child, however, may become paralyzed by fear if insecurities were a big part of early life. Broken or dysfunctional families teach children that the world is unsafe, and trusting others is dangerous.

Those insecurities can create barriers to marital intimacy. Our responses to fear are sometimes influenced by those tenacious kids who piggyback into our adult lives.

Sensitive self-concept

Nowhere are inner children more persistent than in the way they whisper to us about who we are. Our self-concept is initially defined through their eyes, and many individuals never get free from those powerful childhood experiences that molded them. Fundamental messages of being loved or rejected, competence or inadequacy, beauty or ugliness, good humor or ill temper, strength or weakness were instilled in us by parents, grandparents, siblings, neighbors, teachers and peers. Their values shaped our self-concept and perspective of life.

Frequently those values and perceptions distort reality and truth. The emotions and relational demands of marriage make us susceptible to reactivate those distortions. If we’ve been conditioned to expect rejection, our attitudes and behaviors can guarantee it. The effects of distant fathers, demanding mothers and demeaning siblings can get transferred to our mate. Have you ever heard your spouse say, “You’re not my mother” or “You’re just like my dad”?

If you find yourself being controlled by the child inside, you can free yourself from those influences.

• Ask God to help you uncover the mysteries and misconceptions of your inner child.
• If your childhood was one of neglect or abuse, seek God’s healing, and, if needed, get help from a Christian mental-health professional.
• Identify ways your inner child influences you today. Here’s where you and your spouse can help each other. Each of you may be blind to your own patterns but keenly aware of your mate’s “child.” As you talk, agree that this is not a time to attack. Be kind and patient with one another as you explore these issues together.
• Reflect on how childhood events conditioned your responses. Be as specific as possible in describing the memories including the people, places, words and feelings of those experiences.
• Explore ways to avoid the old responses of your child. Look for the stimuli that hook you into some ineffective response, and learn to anticipate situations that increase your vulnerability.
• Develop alternative behaviors. This process may require studying communication skills and getting some counseling to unravel the mysteries of your patterns. When there are intense emotions related to your childhood, you might find writing a letter expressing your feelings to the person who hurt you will bring release from their control. These letters do not need to be mailed to be effective and can even be written to someone who has died.
• Finally, embrace that little girl or boy within you. Your child has been trying to protect you. Trust the love and healing power of our Creator to heal the hurts and fears that have been latent within you.