Double Vision

As a pastor, Dan Erickson was absorbed in ministry while his wife, Cathy, took care of the home front. After more than 30 years of marriage, Erickson realized he had never asked his wife about her vision for their future and had left her out of his own planning.

When he finally began talking with her about their individual ideas and passions, they discovered new and exciting possibilities. Their conversations changed their marriage and the direction of their lives. In 2002 they launched People Matter Ministries. A big part of their new ministry is coaching other couples to determine a common vision and live up to their full potential in Christ.

“A lot of couples end up going in two different directions and then wonder why they don’t have anything in common,” Erickson says.

Failing to develop a common vision usually isn’t a conscious choice; couples just drift apart in their decision making. They don’t talk about where they are going as a couple — where they want to be in five, 10 or even 30 years. Going in different directions causes friction, damages closeness and keeps them from enjoying harmony. When a husband and wife share a vision, however, they have unified goals on which to base their daily priorities.

Making time to talk

The first step in establishing a common vision is scheduling time together to talk, says Dennis Smith, a Christian marriage counselor. Husbands and wives often carry day planners or PDAs and schedule everything except time to talk with each other. Time to develop your plans and dreams doesn’t happen unless you make it happen. Smith recommends couples get away for a retreat at least once a year exclusively for vision casting.

Jerad Widman, a family physician, says that time is the biggest obstacle for him and his wife in setting a vision. “I think the general path of life these days leads you to get consumed with the day-to-day activities because there are so many things that go just into making life happen,” Widman says. “If you don’t step away from that busyness and refocus on the bigger picture, it is impossible to have a common vision because each person is just struggling to get through the day’s tasks.”

Juggling the responsibilities of his practice and home life makes getting away for a weekend impractical. So when he and his wife can’t get away as they’d like, they schedule evenings together to talk about their daily lives and future.

Asking questions

When you and your spouse sit down to talk about vision, it’s important to ask God for wisdom and direction. Let go of your own agenda and preconceived ideas, and be open to God’s leading.

Then start your conversation with some brainstorming and analysis about your personalities, gifts and callings. Discuss questions such as:

• What are your strengths, gifts and passions?

• What are your weaknesses?

• What things would each of you choose to do if you had unlimited time and resources?

• What have been the most satisfying experiences for you in the past? What have been the most unsatisfying?

• What desires or dreams are God-inspired?

• Where do your strengths and passions intersect, and what are your individual callings?

After you have discussed these questions, examine what you have discovered about yourselves in light of reality. Examine such things as:

• What obligations do you need to consider?

• How much time and how many resources would different options require, and do you have those available? If you don’t, what would it take to make those available?

• What things should you pursue now, and what things should you plan for another season of life?

Once you’ve explored these issues, you can begin drawing conclusions together about the direction you want to pursue. Write a plan of where you want to be as a couple in one, five and 10 years — or even longer. Then write down the steps you need to take to make this happen. If you and your spouse aren’t “planners,” simply agree on your top priorities and decide how you will accomplish those.

Also acknowledge each other’s individual callings within your common vision. You and your spouse don’t need to be equally involved in every aspect of life, but you should wholeheartedly support one another.

“If a husband and wife really want what is best for each other, they are going to hear and understand the other’s passion and are going to be supportive,” Smith says.

Overcoming obstacles

Trying to establish a vision for your marriage can sometimes create conflict. Couples who have different personalities and interests may struggle to find common ground and may have difficulty valuing each other’s individual callings. Discussion about vision may bring up unresolved issues.

For couples who struggle with conflicting goals and desires, Smith suggests seeking counseling or input from a trusted friend, studying the Bible and praying together, and scheduling additional times to talk about these differences. Be careful not to become entrenched in your point of view; stay open to God’s leading.

Remember that it’s not about you individually, but about what God wants to do through you together. Establishing a common vision and then making the daily choices to live it out is ongoing. “It takes effort,” Smith says, “but couples who are committed will find a way.”