Bring It On

It's no secret: My husband and I argue — well, we're not in complete agreement about that. He likes to "debate," while I prefer to "discuss." Whether we're talking money, movies, habits, hobbies or faith, we disagree daily.

If you're married, you've argued, too. And according to Dr. John Gottman, executive director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, you'll probably be arguing for the rest of your lives. His long-term studies of more than 670 couples showed that many couples don't resolve their issues over time but continue to argue about the same things. Many times that's because the issues are simply irresolvable.

I can understand that. In fact, I believe our biggest reason for arguing is also the most unsolvable: We're just different. And when two unique people come together as one, there are bound to be a few clashes every once in a while — or once every day.

With so many differences between my husband and me, it's no wonder we've found so much to "debate" and "discuss." After 10 years, we haven't come close to running out of material. But here's a secret: It doesn't bother us.

Attacking the issues

As strange as it sounds, we're comfortable confronting one another. While we don't necessarily find it easy or enjoyable, we do find it rewarding. Healthy confrontation strengthens our marriage.

Now, I'm not talking about fighting. When we fight, we attack one another in an attempt to "win" the argument. While it seems driven by our differences, a fight is actually the result of the one thing we hold in common — our sinful nature. A fight is a very personal battle with a very cold ending, and there's nothing rewarding about it.

When we have a healthy argument, however, we're attacking our issues together. We examine our differences, search for understanding and seek one another's best interest. And we do it keeping our dignity and unity intact. When the argument is over, we may still disagree, but we've at least reached an understanding about ourselves and the issue at hand.

When sparks fly

Often, it isn't what we say but what we leave unsaid that causes difficulties. When I refrain from healthy confrontation, I usually do it to guard myself and to seek my own interests over my spouse's. But when we willingly engage each other in a difficult, truthful conversation, we act sacrificially for the good of the relationship.

Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." We are tools used by God to sharpen one another for the tasks at hand — and sometimes that sharpening process produces sparks. Although dramatic and scary, those flying sparks are not to be feared when they're brought about by love for one another and sincere concern for the relationship.

So are you ready for a good argument? Go ahead. Disagree all you want.