On Course: Midlife Marriage

The house echoes with quiet — the empty nest. For most husbands and wives, this new season becomes a test. How strong is the marriage? Complacency will send our love boat crashing on the rocks. So what can we do to keep the passion in our relationship?

Several years ago my husband, Jim, wanted to take up sailing, and although reluctant at first, I hung in there and learned to crew. We've continued the sport together, and I've found that many common sailing terms describe ways to strengthen midlife marriages.

Drop the anchor

Staying spiritually in tune is one of the most important elements in a strong marriage. All couples encounter rough waters. Jim and I experienced the death of our youngest child, we've both had surgeries and we've dealt with painful issues in our extended family. But we can honestly say that God has been faithful. We begin each day with a devotional then hold hands and pray. Throughout the day, knowing we stand together strengthens us. Our life in Christ does not protect us from the storms, but it anchors us and provides peace as we weather them.

Trim the sheets

Some folks think physical intimacy is no longer interesting in midlife. True, sex drive alters some with age and our bodies do change, but sexual expression of love can remain active and strong.

In their book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, authors Dr. William Cutrer and Sandra Glahn wrote: "Physical intimacy need not end following surgical procedures such as hysterectomy or after the normal 'change of life' — menopause. It may require some change and creativity, but a satisfying relationship can result for most."

Plus, help is now available for men who have erectile dysfunction and other problems associated with sexual performance. Yes, intimacy can flourish in midlife.

Set your compass

It's been said that a rut is a grave open at both ends. Instead of becoming stuck, set goals for your midlife years. As our children grow up, we can share interests with them, attend and support their activities, take vacations together and eventually spend time with grandchildren.

We can be a service to our churches and communities. Jerry and Brenda Speight recently began the Hope Center, a mission to assist at-risk families and inner-city youth. "As long as there are people in need, then there's no place to stop," Jerry told the Herald-Banner. "Everything you do can be a stepping stone or building block for what you do in the future."

Choose the right tack

The medical benefits of humor add life to our years. Jim and I laugh together about cartoons in the newspaper, and we laugh at ourselves. We now laugh about things we used to fuss over. We realize that many of our earlier frictions were due to stress, selfishness and unrealistic expectations. Instead of holding grudges about irritations or past offenses, we have adopted Ephesians 4:32, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Clean off the barnacles

Barnacles slow a boat's progress. Maintaining a healthy weight, exercising and getting proper nutrition will keep the midlife years from bogging us down. Jim and I walk together every evening.

Beginning a new hobby or sport together or working toward a common goal will require some effort but will probably result in a new adventure. Give and take may be required, but the work will be rewarded as we find ourselves sailing toward greater friendship and joy together.