Sensitive to Susan

“Can Susan come over Saturday?” my daughter, Martha Grace, asked.

I tried to hide my displeasure. Lately all she talked about was her fifth-grade classmate Susan. And from how she described her, I surmised that Susan was the boss at home. If Susan wanted to go to the mall, she went. If she wanted something, her father bought it for her. Martha Grace quoted the language Susan used with her mother, and it wasn’t pretty.

Over the past month, Martha Grace had begun treating me in a similar fashion. I had reminded her time after time that when she wanted something she was to request it rather than demand it.

Now she wanted to have Susan over for a play day. The last thing I wanted to do was encourage the relationship, but I needed to see for myself what this girl was like. So she came.

Foreign territory

Throughout the morning, Susan spoke to me only if I asked her a direct question. She looked sideways at Martha Grace before answering, as if to say, “Rescue me from this woman.” I wasn’t warming up to her and steamed inside at the disrespect she was displaying toward me.

When they went outside to play, I asked Martha Grace to stay back for a minute. “What do you want?” she asked, looking annoyed.

“Honey, you can’t use that tone with me,” I said. She tightened her lips and looked away. “Martha Grace, you need to be a good example to Susan since she has a hard time being respectful.”

Big mistake.

When they came back inside, Martha Grace said, “I don’t think you should have said that about Susan. It hurt her feelings.”

“What do you mean?”

“What you said, Mom.”

“But I said that to you.” My stomach tightened. I looked at them both. “Do you really want to talk about this?”

“I think we need to, Mom.”

I blurted a few words about the value of friends being a good influence on each other and how important respect is, especially toward parents.

I decided to ask Susan about her home life. By her terse replies, I got the impression her parents were separated, which was news to me. Then Susan’s mom came to pick her up.

Twenty minutes later the phone rang.

Susan’s mom was very upset that I’d blamed Susan for a problem I had with Martha Grace. She also shared how Susan’s father had left the family five months earlier and how hard it was for both of them. Susan had told her mom she’d been deeply hurt by me asking about her father.

Home again

Surely she was overreacting, and I wanted to defend myself. But as she talked, I realized how badly I had handled the situation. I was wrong to mention Susan as a “negative example” to Martha Grace, especially when she was a guest in our home. The deterioration of my daughter’s behavior wasn’t the fault of her new friend. I’d assumed Susan was entirely to blame, but Martha Grace was making her own choices on how to behave.

The hidden facts showed Susan was grieving the abrupt loss of her father and felt uncertain about trusting adults. She needed my love and prayers, not my scorn.

So I told Susan’s mom I was sorry and asked her to forgive me. The problem I had with Martha Grace was not Susan’s fault. I clearly lacked sensitivity with my questions about her family. I also apologized to Susan.

Putting down roots

Four years have passed, and Susan continues to be a part of our lives. Before she comes over I ask myself, How can I sincerely communicate love to her? When she calls and I answer the phone, I ask how she is doing. I care, and she knows it. The disrespect is gone.

The rocky first day of our relationship is behind us, but I haven’t forgotten it. When any friend of my daughter’s comes over, I’m aware she may be hurting. So I’m not as quick to make assumptions. I want her to be attracted to the Jesus who lives inside me, not repelled by my disapproval.