In the Know

Driving out of the small town where our daughter attends college, we headed toward the familiar interstate but decided to take a different route home. We stayed on the local road and, in about the same amount of time and with new scenery, we arrived.

Raising kids is a lot like that — there are different ways to get to the same spot and many right answers to the same parenting questions.

Everyone has his own unique style of parenting based on personality. Some of us are more orderly, passive, playful, flexible or structured. God uses our individual traits to develop our families. Yet with all the variety in families, five basic principles can help us be more effective in raising our kids.

1. Know the dos and don’ts.

Scripture has clear guidelines for parents to follow. Ephesians 6:4 contains both a do and a don’t. “Do not exasperate [provoke, frustrate, annoy] your children” (emphasis added). Provoking may include not allowing children to express their feelings, violating healthy boundaries of respect or pushing them too hard to meet our expectations. The verse continues, “Instead [DO] bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” This includes not only our teaching but also the way we model godly character daily. When I deal repeatedly with one of my children’s behaviors, I remember how often God has forgiven me.

2. Know child development.

Knowing what’s normal and expected at each stage of childhood development can help us better understand our children. Take advantage of articles, books, programs and materials to learn about the basics. Little insights — such as knowing that 4-year-olds like to feel empowered or that the third and seventh grades are transition years and more difficult academically — can increase understanding and improve our quality of parenting.

3. Know your child.

Children may be either high- or low-maintenance, introverts or extroverts, go-getters or passive. Toilet training, sleep issues, motivation or discipline will magnify these differences. The principles of training a child are the same — parent with love, prayer, spiritual instruction and specific goals (e.g., godly character or mastery of specific task). What will vary are the specific techniques used with each child.

This showed up in my home with room cleaning. “Clean your room” is simple for many kids. Not for a concrete learner. The behavior I was reprimanding as disobedience was really confusion about the task. When I wrote, “This is what cleaning a room means” with a detailed list attached, my child successfully completed the task.

Determine your child’s communication style. Does she prefer to argue or negotiate? Is his disposition dramatic, comical or critical? This information can help you sort out your family’s interactions toward one another. Discover what approach or response will be the most effective.

4. Know your options.

Discipline varies with each child. A stern look will be warning enough to alter the behavior of one child, whereas another child may need more direct discipline. The introverted child might benefit from a time-out to reflect on his poor behavior, while a conversation with an extroverted child, who likes to cooperate, might resolve the problem.

If you’re not sure what to do or you are overwhelmed, tell your child, “I need to sort out what just happened. We’ll talk about this soon.” Then gather the facts, calm yourself, speak with your spouse and pray for guidance so you may confront the situation rationally. You may also want to discuss the punishment with your spouse so it’s appropriate and will yield the desired behavioral results.

To motivate your child concerning chores, school performance and working at home, keep trying incentive and recognition methods until you find methods that work.

5. Know where to get help.

Being a part of a larger network of parents through your church, school, neighborhood or other community groups can make a big difference in your perspective. Web-based resources are also helpful. Family members can be a source of wisdom. Pastoral or professional help can be helpful from time to time.

Is there an effective strategy for raising kids? Yes, many of them! Pray for wisdom, then implement methods that will help mold your child into the person God intended him to be.