Confident Parents, Confident Kids

A picnic at the park seemed like the perfect solution to my disjointed day. My three young boys were bouncing off the walls — in need of fresh air — and I was desperate to talk to anyone about something other than potty chairs and superheroes. I packed up my boys, ages 2, 4 and 6, and we headed to the park that had a big slide and sandbox.

Seconds after the boys were unbuckled, they were out of the car and playing in the sand with the other children. I took a seat on the nearest bench.

Within moments I heard a scream, and it wasn't a child's. It was from a mother whose firstborn had sailed too quickly down the big slide and ended up with a mouth full of dirt. The child sat back with a sour face and began spitting out the dirt. But when he saw and heard the frantic shrieks coming from his mother, he got scared and began to sob.

Eventually things settled down, so a number of parents spread our blankets on the grass and pulled out lunches. One mom was oblivious to the food her child was flinging through the air, while another was controlling every move her compliant child made. I found myself noticing the differences between us.

Then my eyes moved to the children. Most of my kids' clothes came from friends or garage sales. Several of the other children were wearing name brands. I suddenly felt self-conscious for my children. An insecurity that had been tucked away since my school years revealed itself once again. I reached over and tucked a tuft of hair behind my son's ear. He was so beautiful and totally unaware of his hand-me-downs.

I looked around at all of us well-meaning but imperfect mothers and wondered if it was possible to raise solid, secure kids when so often we feel afraid, out of control and insecure.

Many articles and books have been written about building self-esteem in children. From affirmation to blessing to loving correction, all of these have their place in raising self-confident children. Kids respond to encouragement, praise and clear expectations. They thrive in an atmosphere where faith and family are strong.

But if we are telling our children that God made them unique, that He loves them and has a plan for their lives, yet at the same time our actions show us clinging, manipulating, overreacting and comparing, our kids can't help but be affected. If we wish to build within our children a lasting sense of who God created them to be, we must parent with faith, trust and love.

Faith vs. fear

If fear is at the forefront of our minds while raising our children, it will dictate our choices, and we will raise fearful children. The world can be a scary place, and we have to be wise in our decisions. But as children of God, we are called to believe He is in control, He loves our children and He will lead us. When our children see us leading with the sense that God is bigger than any problem we face, they will know security.

Trust vs. control

As our children try sports, music, art and other activities, they discover their interests and abilities. We want our children to reach their full potential, but we must resist the temptation to form our children into our image. They were created in God's image, and He has entrusted them to us. We cannot take a soccer player and make her a dancer just because she is petite, nor can we take a drummer and put him on the defensive line just because he is large.

We can be firm on issues of right and wrong, but we must be open and flexible when it comes to our children's gifts. God divinely wires your child individually for His purpose and fulfillment. It's not fair to impart our hope and dreams into their vocational choices. He loans our children to us as He works out His perfect plan in them.

Love vs. perfection

Whenever my pastor's wife prepares to have people over, she reminds herself it is better to bless than impress. This should be a goal for parenting as well. When we tell our kids what they mean to us, when we correct them privately instead of publicly, when we make time for them and expect great things from them, we bless them.

We confuse and stress our children when we expect them to make us look good; when we expect them to fulfill the dreams we never achieved; or when we expect them never to question us. The temptation is to parent in a way so others might think well of us. Yet the world doesn't decide our worth — or our children's worth for that matter. God has already established our divine worth in Him.

Twelve years have passed since my days of toddlers, big slides and picnic lunches. In watching my boys grow into young men, one thing stands out to me more than anything: We don't build esteem by convincing our children they are good. Their esteem is built by knowing they are loved and accepted by a God who is Love. The best gift we can give to our children is to cultivate a deep relationship with the Lord. When our children come to understand worth based on love, their imperfections will have less power over them. Faith, trust and love — not fear, control or perfection — fuel a child's esteem.