Parenting: Round Two

Linda Burton and I relaxed over lunch as we caught up on family news. I heard about each of her adult children; I shared about mine. Then Linda noticed her watch and rushed off to pick up Brandon, her sixth-grade son the family adopted as a toddler after providing foster care since his birth.

The Burtons, of Champaign, Ill., are in good company. It's fairly common for parents in their middle years to adopt a child, according to Tom Atwood, president of the National Council for Adoption (NCFA). "It usually happens out of foster care," he explains. "Often when children reach their teens or go off to college, parents look around and say, ‘We're not done parenting yet. Who needs parenting?' Once they're touched by these foster kids' needs, they feel the call to add to their family."

Answering the call

Tom's brother and sister-in-law, Dan and Mary Atwood of Woodstock, Conn., discussed foster parenting as a way to help needy children. Though they already had five children of their own, they wanted more. So Dan and Mary completed the licensing process.

Almost immediately, they received a phone call asking if they could take a 5-month-old baby. "Once Zachary was in our arms, it didn't take long for us to realize that we wanted to adopt him if he was not returned to his birth parents," Mary remembers. "On the day of our 25th wedding anniversary, Dan and I were finally able to adopt our beloved fifth son."

By that time, the couple's older children were leaving the nest. Not wanting Zach to grow up alone, the family celebrated his fourth birthday by welcoming another foster baby. Today the Atwood family includes 2-year-old Katherine and 6-year-old Zach, along with the older children ranging in age from 17 to 26.

Children in need

An estimated 127,000 American children are waiting to be adopted out of foster care. In addition, orphans around the world need families. Mark and Ann Kern of Sulphur, La., took both routes to complete their family. After the birth of their son and daughter, Ann had trouble maintaining a pregnancy. Russia had just opened up to international adoption, and Mark and Ann adopted 4- and 6-year-old siblings.

Five years later and in her early 40s, Ann longed for another infant. She remembers praying to God in her car one day. "I talked to Him about just dropping a baby into our life if it was His will. The next couple of weeks included a roller coaster of events in which a child became available through private adoption." Mark and Ann added Aaron, now 10 years old.

A family affair

Adding a new family member requires adjustments, but when biological children see their parents' hearts for helping others, the transition often seems natural.

The desire to nurture compassion in her children helped motivate Linda Burton to get involved in foster care. "I didn't want them to grow up feeling entitled but to have a heart for other people." When Linda and her husband, Rod, brought home 2-day-old Brandon, their children displayed a protective attitude toward him that only strengthened with time.

Special challenges and special blessings

Although adopting in midlife delays the freedom enjoyed by empty nesters, this loss can be balanced by the availability of older siblings to help. Other challenges include feeling isolated from friends who no longer share parenting responsibilities, having less time to care for elderly parents and the effects of aging, such as lower energy.

These problems fade in comparison to the joy expressed by adoptive parents. What is the best thing about adopting in midlife? Mary says it is "the miracle of being given another precious and unique person to love, teach and hopefully start on the path to eternal life."

Thinking it through

Middle-aged parents who are thinking about adopting a child may want to assess how the decision will impact their later years. Will it be necessary to postpone retirement? How do financial plans need to change right now?

Along with the inevitable changes, the choice to adopt brings a transformed attitude toward aging. Many parents echo the claim that "he [or she] keeps us young!" The Burton family proves it. After coaching Brandon's Little League team and other activities, Rod lost 35 pounds and no longer needs his blood-pressure medication.

And Linda has a new perspective. At a family gathering, her aunt pointed out, "When that boy graduates from college, you'll be 70 years old. Have you thought about that?"

Linda smiled and said, "Yes, but I'll be a fun 70-year-old."