Strings Attached?

We all need help once in a while, especially single parents. A helping hand can feel like an answer to prayer—but there are times when it is wise to reconsider. You may want to decline if you see a string or two hanging from the gift package.

Let's say your sister offers you free after-school child care. Yay! Problem solved. But wait, you may be trading one problem for even more. You soon learn that in exchange for watching your well-behaved little Jenny, your sister expects you to drop everything and take on her three rambunctious boys whenever she and her husband want to go out. After all, she is baby-sitting for you, and it costs you nothing to return the favor — nothing but exhaustion, frustration and even less alone time with Jenny.

Or maybe a single guy is helpful for all the wrong reasons. One helpful suitor brought a Christmas tree, decorations and extravagant gifts over to a young single mom. Then he showed up on Christmas Day, saying, "Of course, I want to see Jr. open his presents! Didn't you expect me?" Talk about an awkward Christmas! This intrusion across healthy boundaries continued until the mom finally asked her pastor for help.

The true cost of accepting a gift with strings attached could be a fair trade, or it could end up being a lot. To avoid entangling yourself in strings of obligation, take some time to look over the gift and clarify the offer.

"Mom, you're giving me a cell phone? That's very kind of you. The monthly bills will be paid? Oh, as long as the kids call Grandma once a week. Well, they'd love that. Now, what are the limits on long distance and texting?" Be clear in defining expectations and limitations.

My friend Amy was once offered a large sum of money from her grandmother, with the stipulation that she use part of it to buy a piano and have the children take lessons. Amy hesitated. There was no room in her apartment for a piano, her children were not musically inclined, and keeping that stipulation would have been a tedious chore for the whole family. Amy declined, explaining her reasons. Grandma seemed miffed at first but later sent another check with a note to go ahead and use it however Amy thought best. Strong boundaries and clear communication can untie stubborn strings.

An offer of a loan — even if presented graciously — is another burden you don't need. Explain that "I do need help, but I can't accept a loan because I'm not sure how I would manage to repay it. I don't want money to come between us." An unstrained relationship with a family member or friend is worth far more than the temporary relief and guaranteed tension from a loan.

Only experience can teach you who are the true, no-strings-attached givers in your life and who will use gifts as tools for manipulative control. No matter how tempting, just say no to those who have not learned how to give unconditionally.

Finally, keep in mind that many people are sensitive to the needs of single parents and have something helpful to offer. Be grateful yet discerning. While you want to be cautious about accepting help, don't let one person's shady motives keep you from thanking God for the generosity of others. Gifts come in all kinds of packages — and most of them are without strings!