Sudden Grandchildren

"One day we had five grandchildren," Debbie Mortensen said. "The next day we had eight."

No, they weren't triplets. Her daughter married a man with three children from a previous marriage, and the family dynamics changed dramatically.

In a society where divorce and remarriage occur regularly, Debbie and her husband, John, aren't alone. Many have grandchildren who arrive not as tiny bundles of joy but as half-grown strangers. Even under the best circumstances, establishing a relationship with them isn't easy. Here are some suggestions from stepgrandparents who succeeded in making new grandchildren a part of the family.

Take time to get to know them. "We try to do fun things with the kids," Debbie said. "Things like canoeing and fishing." It's especially important, she said, to focus on activities that allow time to talk — and listen.

"Kids want someone to listen to them," she said. "If you give them a chance, they'll open up to you."

Realize that God placed this child in your family for a reason. Vickie Ragland and her husband, Roger, have two grown sons who have each been part of a blended family. As a result, numerous step-grandchildren have been added to their brood.

"All the kids have gone to church with us, memorized Scripture and learned to pray in our family devotions," Vickie said. "I know that's one reason God sent them to us."

Let them know they are part of the family. Jack and Virginia Duplechain welcomed a preteen grandson, Blake, into the family shortly before a reunion.

"I took out the picture album," Virginia said. "I showed him the relatives and explained who they were so he wouldn't feel overwhelmed at the reunion."

Virginia recounted stories so he could start identifying with the family. The reunion went well and so has the relationship with Blake.

Verbalize your acceptance. Debbie tells of the day John took their new granddaughter out to dinner. He treated her like a princess and told her, "You are our granddaughter now, and we love you."

"John is good at verbalizing," Debbie said. "It's important that you don't just assume they know how you feel. You need to tell them — and often."

Treat them equally. Years ago, Debbie noticed the way her new in-laws appeared to show favoritism to their natural grandchildren, while leaving out their new granddaughter, Debbie's daughter from a former marriage.

"Now that I'm in their shoes, I understand better," Debbie said. "We have a long history with our other grandchildren and have spent more time with them. It's not reasonable to expect the same relationship right away."

Still, the experience taught her to be careful to treat all the children equally.

"We spend the same amount of money on gifts," she said. "We have to spend less on each one since we have so many more, but we would rather do that than have one of them feel slighted."

Accept them in spite of their actions. Children who are thrust suddenly into a new family situation often struggle with insecurity. Those feelings sometimes manifest themselves by acting out. Vickie advises new grandparents to look past unattractive or annoying behavior.

Others might just be shy or unsure how to act. Whatever the cause, she said, unconditional acceptance works wonders to smooth over the rough spots in a new relationship.

All the grandparents agree that love, time and acceptance are the keys to making a lasting relationship with a new grandchild.

"God gave us some of our grandchildren the natural way," Jack said, "and others He chose to give us through circumstances. They are all gifts from Him."