What Single Parents Did Right

One child rolls her eyes while another demands his independence. It's one of those days, and the familiar questions flood your mind. How on earth can I raise these children by myself? Am I single-handedly creating a dysfunctional family? Will my children hate me when they're grown?

You try to calm yourself. After all, you've read all the right books and you've listened to the experts. A sigh escapes. If only God would peel back the future and give you a glimpse of how it all turns out. What would you see?

Well, you can't look into the future, but you can look into the lives of others. The best advice on single parenting comes from the adult children of single parents. Just a few weeks ago a college student of mine, Sarah, was in my office asking me to sign papers that would permit her to change her major from business to teaching. "You're going to lose a lot of credits if you change your major now," I warned her. "How can you be so sure you want to be a teacher?"

"Because I'm finally doing what my dad taught me to do," she replied. "Boy, would he be surprised at that! We didn't get along too well when I was at home."

"Well, maybe you were closer to your mom and — "

"Oh, no!" she interrupted. "I hardly even know my mother. Dad raised us by himself."

"Sounds like quite a guy."

"He is. More than I knew until now." As tears filled her eyes, she whispered, "He always said that when you have to make a decision, you should just ask God and then do what He tells you. I used to answer, 'Yeah, yeah, whatever.' But you know what, Dr. Moser? It works."

"Yes, it does," I agreed, amazed at this testimony to the effectiveness of a single parent. "What else did your dad say?"

"That money won't make you happy, that you have to do what you know is right no matter what other people say." She sighed heavily as she reached for the tissue I offered her. "I wish I'd listened to him back then. I wouldn't have made so many stupid mistakes."

"You're listening now," I said. "I hope you'll tell him so." She nodded.

"You're going to make a great teacher," I added as I signed the papers.

Before the day was out, a colleague of mine stood in my office complaining that her teenage daughter totally rejected everything she said. "I might as well be talking to a wall!" she exclaimed. "I've read every single-parenting book, tried everything the experts recommend. Nothing works!"

"Apparently some things work," I cautiously suggested. Then I told her about the conversation with Sarah earlier that day.

"Yeah, but how do we know what our kids are actually hearing?"

"Maybe we need to ask our students," I mused. "After all, we teach the adult children of single parents. Maybe they can help us."

The detective in me came out, and I began to interview other college students (ages 18-30) who were raised by single parents. I asked one question: "What did your parent do right?" Here's what they said:

"Dad taught me that I'm responsible for my mistakes, and I have to pick myself up and fix them. He cheered me on, but he stood back and let me do the hard work required."

"Mom taught me to define myself and not let my peers define me. I listened because I could see that she was defining herself in spite of pressures from family and society."

"My dad showed me that the way to success is a good plan and lots of hard work. I saw him succeed that way. And because he didn't hand out money easily, I learned to be frugal. Thanks to him, I learned to be independent."

"Mom said that no matter how hard times get, we can recover from anything if we pray and work hard enough. As I watched her work full time, go to night school and raise us kids, I learned that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. After all, she did."

"Mom disciplined us kids. We hated it at the time, but since she was obviously disciplining herself, what could we do? We accepted her rules and learned respect for others and the importance of disciplining ourselves."

"My dad spent time with us. He worked all day as a roofer, but no matter how tired he was, he always made time for us. We knew we were worth a lot."

"Mom always listened, and she never put me down no matter what stupid thing I did. She definitely denounced my bad actions, but she never denounced me."

A consistent theme runs through all these answers. Successful single parents don't simply talk; they live the lessons they talk about. Not one student mentioned vague advice given by his or her single parent. In every case, my students reported what their parents did; the spoken lessons were secondary reinforcement.

Can we feel confident that in spite of what seems to be a lack of attention, they are actually learning as we model our values? The results are in — and the answer is yes.