Parenting Grandchildren

At 47 years old, I started parenting my three oldest grandchildren. TJ was 4, William 2½, and Annie just 14 months at the time. I knew it would be a difficult task, but I felt it was important to keep the kids together and in the family.

The days seemed long, but the years went by quickly, so I made the most of the time with my grandchildren, helping them learn the values and skills they needed to become healthy, well-adjusted adults. It was an overwhelming task, one I did not ask for but embraced because I love my grandchildren.

You may be in a similar situation, or you may be considering the possibility. If so, you'll find the days of parenting again to be filled with constant interruptions, spilled milk, sweet smiles and sticky kisses. It's important to recognize some of the hardships that grandparents may experience as second-time parents and prepare to handle them.

The need for friends

As I began parenting my grandchildren, I felt lost and alone. I needed someone to talk to, someone who understood. I confided in a trusted friend, whose support was helpful on difficult days. I also received support from my family, church and pastor. Support is key to being an effective parent of grandchildren. Call your local church to find if there are any others in the same situation or even a grandparents-as-parents support group. Walking together will make the journey easier.

Change of lifestyle

No grandparent takes in a grandchild for insignificant reasons. These children have been in undesirable or downright dangerous situations and typically need lots of attention. Many of them act out their feelings through negative behavior. Handling their heartbreak is a tough assignment. Being attentive may require that you set aside some of your retirement plans. To keep a positive perspective, hold on to the reality that the stability you provide will have a lasting and profound impact on the lives of your grandchildren.

Increased financial obligations

Raising kids can put a stress on any budget, especially one that's limited. Resources such as food stamps, Medicaid and financial aid may be available through social services agencies, depending on your family size and income.

Exhaustion and personal care

Parenting is tough — it only gets tougher when you add the stress and dynamics that accompany the job of raising grandchildren. There were times I felt exhausted, most often in the early stages. I remember waking up the kids in the morning, feeding and dressing them, and buckling them into their car seats. Then I would sit in the driver's seat with my head on the steering wheel, worn out and crying to God for strength to make it to our appointments.

Stress can take a physical toll, so be diligent with your own health needs. Don't feel guilty if you need to hire a sitter and take breaks away from home. Be sure to get plenty of sleep. Eat healthy foods that will keep up your energy, including vegetables, fruits, low-fat dairy products and whole grains. Play outside with the kids whenever you can, engaging them in a game of tag or hide-and-seek. They'll love it, and your body will, too.

Legal issues

The legal issues facing grandparents who are raising grandkids can be confusing. Laws vary by state, and it is often necessary to obtain legal counsel to protect the children in your care.

Take the time to understand the laws. Don't be afraid to ask for help and clarification through social services. Educate yourself regarding your rights and how to protect your grandkids.

Addressing adult kids

Sometimes the parents may involve themselves in overbearing ways even though they relinquished their parental authority. This can build anger and resentment for any grandparent. In order to keep a healthy and positive attitude, daily forgiveness is required. If your adult child's behavior is harmful, you may have to set up boundaries for the best interests of your grandchildren.

Feelings of guilt

Confusion and fear may overshadow your grandkids. Perhaps they experience nightmares or act out harshly. It can be tough to come face to face with their hurt. You may ask yourself, Did I somehow cause all this grief because of mistakes parenting my adult child? Am I making the same mistakes again? These threads of thought aren't productive. Remember that you did the best you could in parenting your own children. In areas where you lacked, you can learn from your mistakes.

Our hope

As I was struggling through the growing-up years with my three grandkids, my faith in God was my greatest source of support. I prayed constantly, both for the children and myself. God answered those prayers and brought us through that season, even allowing me to adopt the children as we became an "official" family.

Raising grandchildren is a journey full of highs and lows. But for all the hair-raising moments and sticky situations, there can be just as many warm hugs and cherished memories making every hard moment worth it in the end.