An Ounce of Prevention Is Worth…What?

In a controversial move, the California Legislature recently passed a bill that sought to redefine marriage. The way I read it, the new definition was "any consensual cohabiting relationship between a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, or any numeric combination thereof, and 'other' on account of the fact that we don't quite know where to draw the line."

They didn't go quite that far, but they did pass a bill that said marriage could include same-sex couples. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed the bill, but the main legislative proponent of the "marriage-should-mean-whatever-anyone-wants-it-to-mean” movement has basically already told the governor, "We'll be back!" Why do I feel as though I am watching a scary science fiction movie?

Others, including Dr. James Dobson, have already outlined zillions of reasons why redefinitions of marriage are immoral and dangerous, but I have my own list of additional reasons why traditional marriage is what God intended.

1. Even though men realize preventative maintenance is in their best interest, no man would ever voluntarily get a prostate exam unless his wife made him do so. I am proof of this.

   My wife: "When is the last time you had a complete physical exam?"

   Me: "Well, technically, at birth."

   My wife: "I am making an appointment for you right now, because I love you and don’t want to lose you to a preventable disease simply because you find the examination uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassing."

   Me: "But my love, I am quite confident that . . ."

   My wife: (holding the phone and ignoring me): “Yes, Tuesday will be fine for his physical. And please ensure that he gets a prostate exam — no matter how much he snivels and whines and claims there will be grave national security implications.” If I asked another guy whether he thought I needed the exam, he’d say, “Nah. You’ve never had one before, and you aren’t dead yet, right?” And both of us would find that argument persuasive.

2. Scientists have long wondered why the Sahara Desert, which was once a fertile land, became a gigantic sand trap. Recent findings revealed that a bunch of unmarried guys used to live there, hunkering down over primitive fire pits and never even thinking about dusting or cleaning. Hence, the entire ecosystem was overwhelmed by massive dust bunnies. So when you hear about huge sandstorms, think about what awaits your city if men stop marrying women.

3. Lots of women get mammograms only because they are pestered by their thoughtful, loving and insistent husbands who just got back from their prostate exams.

   Me: "OK, I had my exam. Now it's time for your mammogram."

   My wife: "You're retaliating because I made a doctor’s appointment for you."

   Me: "I am making an appointment for you anyway, because I love you and don’t want to lose you to a preventable disease simply because you find the examination uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassing — neener, neener, neener."

   My wife: "But I feel just fine and I . . ."

   Me: (holding the phone and not listening to a word she’s saying): "Next Thursday would be fine. Yes, the new high-powered machine will be fine. She is the love of my life, and I want to grow old with her."

The simple fact is this: Marriage is demonstrably good for me and for my wife. There are bucket loads of data proving that children do so much better if they grow up in a home with a mom and a dad who love each other. Even if we ignored all the biblical arguments for marriage, the research proves that married men and women who keep their vows are generally healthier, happier and more satisfied with life than people who don’t have a traditional marriage.

If my wife would just cut me some slack on those prostate exams, I would be even happier. But, sadly, she loves me too much to let me be a dolt.