Love Stillborn
Losing a child in miscarriage is painful, but that pain is a sign of God’s truth: These were children, not blobs of tissue.
"What just happened to me?" Debbie Heydrick asked herself that question over lunch. She’d just come from her doctor’s office that August day in 1994, where she’d miscarried a baby at 10 1/2 weeks of pregnancy.
The nurse and doctor had been very professional, very businesslike. "They behaved like this is normal," Debbie said. "The nurse gave me forms to check out. They behaved like this was just a lump of tissue. I never even got to see the baby."
Debbie tried to be "normal," too.
"I was supposed to be okay, medically at least, so that’s all that counted for them," she said.
But the reality of what had happened soon hit her. All her hopes and dreams for this child, which would have been her fourth, died with the baby. "For two months I tried to go on with life," Debbie said. "But none of our friends and families gave any validation to this loss. They said, ‘Be grateful for the children you have.’ That tells me that that life was not significant. But this is a significant loss. Things will never be the same."
Meaning from loss
Debbie, along with her husband, Doug, challenged God to show them how Romans 8:28 — "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" — would play itself out with their loss.
Doug bought a ring with a peridot heart surrounded by three diamonds. Engraved on the ring was In Memory of Julia.
"The Lord had planted in his heart that it was a girl," Debbie said. "He said, ‘I hope you don’t mind that I wrote her name.’ But that was the thing to do; it legitimized her life. This baby was a gift from God."
Debbie also found a support group at a local hospital in the Dallas area. "It helps mothers instead of leaving them with a sense of hopelessness."
And that’s when Doug and Debbie hit upon the idea for a ministry to families that have lost a child to miscarriage or abortion. They founded Angels in Heaven Ministries to offer resources and counseling for families suffering this loss. (The ministry explains its name this way: "The word ‘angel’ in our ministry name is used as a term of endearment signifying a high degree of love and affection. It is not intended to convey the idea that a human, even an unborn or young baby, becomes a literal angel when he or she is in heaven.")
On the ministry’s Web site, www. angelsinheaven.org , she writes,
"I want to say to you whose heart is aching with pain from the loss of hopes and dreams, I am truly sorry for your loss. I empathize with your pain. Whether you knew of this life for a few hours, a few weeks, a few months or a few years — your loss is the loss of a treasured life. The deep emotions you feel, the deep grief that overwhelms you are valid and real. I know, personally, that grieving the loss of an unborn child can be such a lonely grief. Most people will not readily validate you and your feelings of loss because they have not experienced such a loss. . . .
The brief, yet significant life of your child was no mistake! Well-meaning people will say things that may hurt you deeply. Allow no one to make you feel wrong or strange for grieving your loss. Only through walking this painful road and by acknowledging the impact this one precious life has had on yours will you be able to one day begin to understand how God can work this together for good — yes, even the loss of a child. God’s Word tells us that He knows the plans He has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans for a hope and a future."