When Death Divides

“Girls, don’t let anything I own ever come between you.” My mother repeated that statement often after my father died. She had witnessed Dad’s brothers and sisters picking through their mother’s meager possessions after her death, drawing a dividing line that even time did not erase.

Mother’s request stayed with my sister and me. When the time came, we determined to honor her. To make the process less painful, we devised a distribution plan.

After a two-week break, we performed the easiest part of the plan first. Each of us collected the gifts we had given to mother. Then we walked through the house and told each other what we wanted. We noted the approximate value of the items and tried to keep things even.

Two days later, we placed a newspaper ad for the remaining larger items. The next day, we put Mother’s house up for sale; it sold within three days — an achievement we credited to our compassionate God. As my sister and I stood in the empty house, we held hands and delighted in being a family undivided.

Who gets what

Grieving over the loss of both parents is a painful time. But if a family squabbles over who gets their parents’ possessions, the pain intensifies and can create divisions that parents would have never intended. Ideally, parents will have a distribution plan in place, specifying their desires before their death. Sometimes, however, not all the possessions are covered, or no plan is outlined. Different families approach this delicate topic in their own way.

One family distributed stickers that contained an assigned color. Next, they put stickers on the items they wanted. If there were items with more than one sticker, they talked it through, taking it to a family vote if needed.

The toughest question for this family was, “Who gets Dad’s Bible?” The underlined verses and the extensive notes in the margins told much about their father’s spiritual journey. They decided that each family would take turns keeping the Bible for a year.

Another family listed their parents’ possessions that were valued at $500 or more. The heirs wrote their names by the items they wanted to “buy.” After they were satisfied that each person had approximately the same closing balance, they began dividing the unpriced smaller items.

The oldest child chose the first item, continuing down to the youngest. This order was repeated until there were no more items.

Guard against greed

It’s obvious these families were in agreement with the truth Jesus taught in Luke 12:15, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.” Staying undivided took priority over possessions. Here are other tools to help you follow their example:

• Pray together or privately before the distribution begins. Prayer allows God to change hearts if it becomes necessary.

• Ask God to give you a sensitive heart toward the desires of your siblings.

• Keep a positive attitude no matter the outcome.

Dividing lines

Not all family members have a healthy attitude toward one another after both parents die. A dividing line may be drawn by old conflicts, a domineering sibling, an outspoken in-law, jealousies, greed or other tough issues.

In these painful situations, it may be wise for siblings to bring in a third, unbiased party — a close friend or a person who is highly respected by the family. Advice from this person can help families work through their differences and come to more acceptable solutions.

Keep in mind, anything that can be held in your hands will eventually break, get lost, go out of style or no longer hold your interest. It is lasting family relationships that win out over any item with a price tag, and it’s family unity that most honors your deceased parents.